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"Truth Scores"
by A. Rhea King

Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't own them, CBS/Paramount does.
Genre: Humor
Description: They're ewoks? Diaper 1 and Malcolm 0, the finer points of Animal Crackers is discussed, Travis and Archer find themselves on the business end of a cranky feline, and Trip shows Eartik a thing or two about gravity.


Aesop’s Fables (3)

“You’re doing it wrong,” Elizabeth said. She paused and then added, “sir.”

Malcolm didn’t acknowledge her. Instead he continued to fight with the diaper and squirming child under his hands.

“Sir—”

“Ensign,” Malcolm let out an exasperated breath, looking up, “Surely you have something better to do other than instruct me on how to change my son, don’t you?”

“You’re doing it wrong,” Trip said before taking another bite of his meal, “Just let Elizabeth or Hoshi do it, Malcolm. They’ve been changing the kid all day for you.”

Malcolm looked back at him. Ensign Cutler, Trip, Hoshi and Archer were sitting around the campfire watching him. Malcolm opened his mouth to shot back a haughty response at Trip.

“Oh, sir!” Hoshi gasped, covering her mouth and pointing at the child.

Malcolm’s face turned into a dark frown when he felt something warm and wet start running down his leg. He looked down at Jon Nathan. The child squealed gleefully as he urinated.

“No,” Archer told Hoshi before she started laughing out loud.

Trip opened his mouth to comment.

“No,” Archer said, looking at Trip.

Trip glanced at Archer and then closed his mouth around another bite of food.

Archer noticed he was the only one that seemed to sense Malcolm’s mounting frustration with the three and as it had been a good day up until now, he decided to try and keep it that way.

Malcolm returned to fighting with the diaper and Jon Nathan.

“STUPID DIAPER!” Malcolm yelled suddenly, startling everyone.

There was a moment of silence and then Jon Nathan started screaming. Malcolm let his head fall back.

Elizabeth started to comment. Archer touched her arm and she looked at him. Archer shook his head at her and she remained silent. Malcolm returned to trying to put the diaper on. He finally got it to resemble the one he’d removed and picked the child up to calm him. The diaper slid off of Jon Nathan. Malcolm stared at it for a few seconds and then laid Jon Nathan back on the blanket he had been laying on.

“Okay. I admit,” Malcolm said, “I can’t do this. I need help. Would one of you help me, please?”

Elizabeth looked at Archer. He nodded once to her. Elizabeth got up and walked over to Malcolm, kneeling beside him. In a quiet voice Elizabeth instructed Malcolm how to put his son’s diaper on. Malcolm finished and picked the child up, cuddling him to his shoulder.

“Shh,” Malcolm murmured to the child, gently rubbing the boy’s back.

Jon Nathan let out a renewed wail instead of calming down. Malcolm got to his feet and began pacing and talking quietly to the child.

“Well, I’m calling it a night,” Archer said as he stood.

Trip watched him disappear into the tent they were sharing. He looked at Malcolm and the screaming baby and decided sleep was a much better alternative. Trip finished his meal and climbed into the tent. Elizabeth and Hoshi went to their tent without saying goodnight. Malcolm looked up, surprised to find himself alone. He walked over to a chair and sat down. Malcolm held Jon Nathan on his lap, recling the baby boy into the crook of his left arm and wiggling the fingers of his right hand in front of the child. Jon Nathan stopped crying and began playing with his father’s fingers.

“You cleared the room,” Malcolm teased Jon Nathan in a quiet voice. “That’s not a good quality to have, son. Well, not unless you plan on being an actor in horror films. Then it could have some fringe benefits. You could make the scene look smashingly real.”

Jon Nathan smiled at hearing his father’s voice back to normal and let out a spiel of laughter. Malcolm returned the smile, finding Jon Nathan’s ticklish spot under his chin. Jon Nathan waved his hands as he laughed.

“Now there’s the smile I’m used to. As my grandfather loved to say, ‘Jolly good, my boy. You’ve staved off the end of the world again!’” Malcolm chuckled, planting a gentle kiss on Jon Nathan’s temple.

Jon Nathan giggled again, returning to playing with Malcolm’s fingers.

“Malcolm,” Archer said from his tent.

“Yes, sir?” Malcolm asked. Malcolm tickled Jon Nathan’s neck and the child giggled again, making Malcolm chuckle.

“Next time you decide you’re going to bring a child on an away mission, know how to change it.”

“Him,” Hoshi corrected Archer. “Jon’s not an it, he’s a him, sir.”

Elizabeth and Hoshi both giggled.

“Or not bring one at all!” Trip suggested.”

“TRIP!” the Archer and the women scolded, making Malcolm smile.

The four were silent for a few moments.

“Night, Malcolm,” Hoshi said.

“Night, sirs,” Elizabeth laughed.

“Night ladies,” Archer said.

“Good night, all,” Malcolm added.

There was a pause before Hoshi, Elizabeth and Trip called out in unison, “GOOD NIGHT JOHN BOY!”

Malcolm smiled, leaning over his son so he could look the child in the eyes. Jon Nathan reached out, grabbing Malcolm’s nose. Malcolm smiled, telling the child, “Americans are a bit daft, son. Be wary.”

“I heard that, Lieutenant Reed,” Archer laughed.

Malcolm chuckled. He resituated Jon Nathan against his arm and picked up the baby bottle sitting next to the chair. Malcolm offered it to Jon Nathan who grabbed it and started drinking. Malcolm kissed his son’s forehead.

“I love you, son,” Malcolm murmured, smiling at him again. “What story shall I tell you tonight, eh?” Malcolm thought. “I know, we’ll do a few of Aesop’s fables.” Malcolm sat back and began telling of ‘The Crow and The Pitcher.’

#

Inside his tent, Archer shut his eyes, listening to Malcolm pass on Aesop’s fables to his son. It brought on memories of his own childhood and his father. The memories had been playing off and on from the moment Malcolm had asked him if he could bring Jon Nathan. Each time he looked around to find Malcolm tending to the child, a new memory would crop up and make him smile. Archer would never tell anyone, but he hadn’t expected Malcolm to be as good of a father as he was turning into. Not to mention fatherhood had opened the man up and he had become more integrated into the crew than he ever had been.

Archer smiled when he heard Jon Nathan giggle. Archer let out a soft sigh.

“Cap’n,” Trip whispered in the darkness.

“Hm?” Archer murmured.

“Did you ever think that he’d turn out to be this kind of a dad?”

“Malcolm?”

“Yeah.”

“I had my doubts.”

“He’s nothing like his dad.”

“Different person, Trip.”

There was a moment of silence.

“Or maybe just a different family,” Trip whispered.

“What do you mean?”

“He’s with a different family now. Things are different on Enterprise, nothing like what he’s ever been used to.”

Archer smiled. “So what you’re not saying is he’s had a chance to see what a good family can be like with us, huh?”

“Something like that.”

“Or maybe he just has a good wife, Trip. Get some sleep. We have to get up early.”

There was silence again.

“Cap’n?” Trip whispered again.

“Hm?”

“Think T’Pol’d be a good mother?”

Archer’s eyes popped open. “What?”

“I mean, if she had kids one day, do you think she’d be a good mother?”

“I don’t know.”

Trip didn’t reply.

“Maybe you should ask her what she thinks about that.”

“Naw. I don’t want her to get the wrong idea.”

“Which would be?”

“That I’m asking her to marry me or something.”

“You’re not going to ask her to marry you any time soon, are you?”

“Hadn’t really given it much thought until now.”

Great. Ya just put the idea in his head. Brilliant Jon. Just brilliant!’ Archer thought to himself, but said, “Get some sleep, Trip.”

“Night, sir.”

“Night, Trip.”

Archer turned his mind and attention to Malcolm’s quiet voice. He didn’t want to think about the stupid mistake he’d just made.


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