"Breaking the Wind"
Rating: R (Language)
Originally written 16 November 2001
Enterprise drifted at 3.14 warp in the proverbial boondocks of space. Archer leaned back in his chair and resisted the urge to fidget. He rubbed his chin. All was still on the bridge. No one was fighting, arguing or even glaring in silence. It was, in short, disgustingly boring. Maybe it really was worth investigating the small class WD-40 nebula, T'Pol had mentioned earlier, 1.2 light years from them. Even if it was just a purple ball of gaseous remnants.
Archer stood, directing his attention at Ensign Mayweather. "Travis, alter course and increase speed towards that nebula we found this morning. It's getting pretty quiet around here." He shot T'Pol a glance, long enough to see her lift her chin in Vulcan smugness. He turned away, and rubbed his chin again, glad she at least kept quiet.
He saw Lieutenant Reed begin checking their morning scans, tapping away at consoles, turning around himself quick enough to make a person dizzy. His abrupt, efficient motions came to a pause before he repeated a sequence several times.
Reed looked up, swiftly. "Captain, we've got a problem. Sensors indicate that ... we're already at the nebula." His gaze flickered between Mayweather, Archer and T'Pol. She raised an eyebrow at him.
She checked her own console readings. "Mr. Reed is correct, Captain. Sensors indicate that we have traveled 1.2 light years within approximately 2 seconds."
Mayweather broke in. "And we've got another problem, Captain. From what I can tell, we're still moving towards it."
"Reverse engines, Travis!"
"Aye sir... I'm trying, No use, Captain, we're still moving towards it."
"Captain, the external stresses caused by the opposing forces may damage the ship."
"We're gonna have to take that risk, T'Pol. Keep trying, Travis."
There was a tremendous shudder throughout the ship as it came to a bone-jarring halt. The crew fell silent, watching each other and the consoles around them. Archer was about to ask Ensign Sato to put their environment on-screen, when she preempted him.
Hoshi Sato put a hand to the comm at her ear and turned in her chair. "Cap'n! Ah'm gettin' strange noises from all over the ship."
Reed looked sharply over his shoulder. "Cap'n, as we went on in, sensors showed a lil' bitty vessel on our starboard side. Looks like a Vulcan ship." He was wearing an olive green uniform with a star pinned to his chest and a broad-brimmed hat on his head. He didn't seem to notice the change.
"Damn. Jus' what we need now." Archer glared at T'Pol who gave him a snarky eyebrow. Then she wiggled her fingers at him and jangled her earrings.
"Captain, we're being hailed by T'Block Cinder." Hoshi frowned and shrugged. She started twirling in her chair, the blue gingham dress she wore catching on the legs.
"What?" He put his fists on his hips and glared at her.
"Don' look at me. Ah jus' say it like Ah hear it."
"Yoo hoo, dipweed, this is Cap'n Vanik of the T'Block Cinder. Cap'n Archer, y'all's just the dumbest humans in the galaxy ain'tcha? But that's right enough, we wants ya here."
Jonothan frowned, his mouth starting to hang open. "You brought us here? An' Hoshi, put him on screen."
The large TV in front of the couch zapped into view three Vulcans. One man wore a seedy, floppy brown hat, a jacket that had seen better days and a t-shirt that proclaimed 'Go Vulcans!'. A woman beside him, pregnant as a barn, smiled blearily and waved coyly in their general direction. A skinny, spotty teenage Vulcan stood awkwardly in the background.
The woman spoke up first. "T'Pol, honey, ya all need to get yer ass back home an' marry Kos here."
"Don' momma me y'little slut. You jus' look at Kos here. He's plum near heart-broke not t'mention you-know-what so you get right back to this trailer this minute!"
"But momma, Ah like it here!" T'Pol enunciated her whining by twirling her hair around a finger.
Archer cut in. "Look here folks, Ah don't mean to butt in on personal stuff'n'shit, but we all need to figure out how to get ourselves out of this here fix."
"Well, honey, that's what I been tellin' ya!" T'Pol's mother, T'Ho, crossed her arms smugly.
"No, no, ma'am, not that. I mean this nebula."
Mayweather started wiggling in his seat and pumped the air with a fist. "Cap'n, Ah jus' got 100, 000 points!" He pointed at the Atari video screen on his console.
Hoshi stood up to gawk at the score, popping her gum loudly.
"That there is nice Mayweather. Hoshi, you sit your ass down." Archer turned to face his sub-commander. "Now, T'Pol, sweetie...." He drifted off. "When the sam hill did you do your hair up like that?"
"What the hell you talkin' about, Cap'n?"
Hoshi interrupted, "Cap'n, I'm gettin' Commander Tucker here. He's all riled up about somethin' to do with a warp drive thingee. Seems like we busted it back there. Ah'm also gettin' Ol' Doc Phlox. Should Ah put him through?"
"I reckon so."
"Eh?! Am I on? Goddamnit mah goats are goin' crazy down here. What the hell's goin' on up there?"
"You just hush now, Doc. We're fixin' everything." Archer heard some strange noise and looked down at his feet. He saw a brown and white piglet. "Porthos?"
The piglet squealed and snorted at him. Archer rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
The comm crackled. "Tarnation, that damn pig got all the way up 'ere didn' he? Ah tried t'stop him see, but he tore up the damn front yard an-"
"Cap'n," broke in Reed, "you think we should arrest that pig?"
"No Sheriff, it'll be a'right. Now, Doc -"
Tucker stormed suddenly onto the bridge, his yellow duster flapping behind him. He flipped the brim of his waterman's hat up and chewed furiously on a piece of straw. "Captain? What's going on? Something's jammed the warp engine broke." He paused to look around the bridge, then fell into a taciturn silence.
There was a group gasp from the TV screen. "Lordy! Is that a real yankee?"
"Aw, momma. He's real sweet like."
"Ah dunno, honey, we might could work somethin' out." T'Ho eyed the waterman up and down.
"Ayuh." Tucker chewed some more on his straw.
Hoshi interrupted again. "Hey, Ensign Jimbo says he done found the thing that broke the warp thingee! He says it's one of them pink flamingo lawn things, y'know, like we got out front."
Doc Phlox nearly shouted. "Well, damn it all! That's what I been tryin' to tell y'all."
"Well, kiss mah ass." Archer rubbed his chin, realized he was about to wear a hole through it, and adjusted his hat and waistband. "Well, I'll jus' go on back and clear that out."
Vanik swung a fist towards them and shook it. "That's 'bout like a damn ig'n'n't human!"
"Jus' shut y'damn mouth so we can get outta here."
The Sheriff cut in, "Cap'n, Ah'm pickin' up a strange doohickey thing on the telly. Seems it's headin' real fast towards the T'Block Cinder."
Everyone on the bridge turned to look at the central TV screen. The Vulcan ship started to shake and dance, do the boogie and the woogie. Vanik frowned sternly around as pots, pans, dishes, beer cans, dancing hula flowers and the kitchen sink fell down around him. T'Ho kept covering her mouth and running around in circles. Kos started to cry which clouded up his glasses.
"Mr. Mayweather, pull us back away from them!"
The Enterprise backed away and the view on the TV became an exterior shot.
"Well, shucks. It's a space tornado!"
T'Pol stopped to put on some more lipstick and mascara as the Vulcan trailer home swirled and blew away into space.
Sheriff Reed turned with a grin. "Serves them vagrants right. An' another thing. That there tornado blew us straight out of this here nebula."
And so, the Enterprise went on to spread it's country goodness throughout the galaxy.
Right, that was the end. Go away.
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