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"All Things Considered"
Rating: PG Are Those Hanes™? (3) Archer smiled when he took the box from Ensign Cutler. He turned and stacked it among the other crates and boxes in the shuttle pod. “Thank you, Captain,” Elizabeth said. “You’re welcome.” Archer stepped off the shuttle pod. He turned, spotting T’Pol and Hoshi approaching with more boxes. Trip was carrying two crates up the hill behind them. “Here. Let me help,” Archer said to Hoshi, taking the boxes from her and carrying them on board. “Thank you, Captain,” Hoshi said, looking peculiarly at him. “Glad to be of service,” Archer said with a smile. “This should be the last of them,” Ensign Novakovich said as he came up the hill to the shuttle pod carrying two cases. Archer and Trip joined Ensign Westgard, Lieutenant Reed, Ensign Mayweather and Doctor Phlox standing next to the second shuttle pod. Ensign Novakovich walked out and joined the men. T’Pol stepped out of the shuttle pod and turned to speak to Archer. She hesitated, staring the six smiling men. This only added to her suspicion that the men were hiding something. “Are you certain you desire to remain on the surface for three days? I have no means of communicating with you in this region of the moon, Captain. The mineral deposits of sirium alimna ore are scrambling all communications.” Elizabeth and Hoshi stepped out of the shuttle pod, watching the men with open suspicion. “We have another shuttle pod,” Archer reached back, patting the shuttle pod behind him. “We really should explore this moon better,” Archer replied, “Don’t want to miss a thing when I send that report back to Starfleet, it being a Menshara class moon and all.” “Menshara class moons are no different than their counterpart planets, Captain,” T’Pol stated, “and you have seen exactly nineteen since leaving Earth.” “We really need to explore…I mean, that’s what we were sent out here for, right Cap’n?” Trip looked at Archer. “Yes. That is our primary goal.” Archer’s smile widened. T’Pol knew the men had some alternative motive they weren’t telling her. The six began exhibiting strange behavior one by one since she had given Archer her report with the pH and mineral readings from the lake nearby. “Another fishing trip, sir?” T’Pol asked. “Yes,” Archer agreed too quickly, “We’re all going fishing. Right guys? Put us down for shore leave when you get back, all right?” The five other men muttered their agreement at the same time, nodding and grinning stupidly. Now T’Pol was certain there was something they were not telling her. “You should probably get those samples back to the ship,” Ensign Novakovich said, “before they get too warm.” “Yeah. I just don’t get what happened to that refrigeration unit. That was strange,” Trip commented. “Really strange. Never seen a unit just go out like that,” Malcolm said. T’Pol’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Yes. We do need to get the core samples back while they are cool,” T’Pol said, coolness starting to seep into her words. “Better get going then, T’Pol!” Archer urged. As if on queue, the five men waved, bidding the three women good-bye. T’Pol turned and boarded the shuttle pod. Elizabeth and Hoshi stood for a moment, staring at the men. “We must depart,” T’Pol said from inside the shuttle pod. Hoshi and Elizabeth got back on board and the hatch closed. As a group the men moved a safe distance and watched the shuttle pod launch. “Holy cow! Trying to convince a Vulcan to leave with a lie is like coxing a turtle to come out its shell!” Trip said, losing his faked grin. “I think we were acting a little too suspicious,” Travis said. “Ya THINK!?” Ensign Westgard shot back at Travis. “And can one of you please tell me why I was ordered to insist we needed to stay to run further tests?” Doctor Phlox asked, “And then you told her we were fishing, Captain Archer?” The five men looked back at him, grinning. Ensign Westgard put his arm around Doctor Phlox’s shoulders; either forgetting or ignoring the fact Denobulans didn’t like to be touched. “You, Doctor, are about to witness a side of humans you may never get to witness ever again. My suggestion to you, Doctor, is to take very, very good notes.” “Men,” Archer paused until they looked at him, “Let’s see if T’Pol’s readings of that lake are still accurate.” Archer grinned. The five headed down the hill toward the lake at a run. Doctor Phlox stood for a minute, confused. With a slight shake of his head he followed, deciding the only way he’d get an answer was to follow them into whatever mischief they were determined to get into. # “I’m sorry,” Elizabeth said for the fifty-third time to T’Pol. T’Pol didn’t acknowledge the apology. “It was my responsibility. I’m sorry too,” Hoshi said, sitting in a seat behind T’Pol. “It is of little consequence,” T’Pol told the two women, “We must retrieve the mineral samples for study and get the reports back to Starfleet.” “Maybe we’ll get to see what mischief the men are up to,” Elizabeth grinned, looking at Hoshi. Hoshi smiled in response. “Yeah. Going fishing without anything to fish with. That’s one I have to see.” Hoshi chuckled. T’Pol launched the shuttle pod and entered the landing coordinates on the moon. “Are the both admitting you have an ulterior motive for returning to the surface?” T’Pol said. “Of course not!” Elizabeth said, looking at her. Then she smiled. “I really did leave the samples behind, but this gives us a perfect excuse to find out what they’re up to.” T’Pol didn’t object. She too was curious about what had made the men start acting so suspiciously. T’Pol located the hilltop she’d landed on before and set the shuttle down. She walked to the back and handed the women flashlights. The three exited the shuttle pod into the warm night of the moon with T’Pol leading in the direction of the campsite. The women came out of the forest into an empty campsite with a campfire still burning. Judging from the nearly spent log the men hadn’t been back to the camp for several hours. To their left the women heard a human hoot and looked in the direction. The sound echoed in the silence of the virgin forest that surrounded them and startled a few birds. T’Pol started walking in the direction of the sound and Elizabeth and Hoshi fell in behind her. Above their heads the planet the moon orbited was a giant orange ball that cast long, deep shadows around them. Ahead they could see the dim light sparkling on the ripples of a lake ahead. As the women drew closer to the lake they could hear laughing and the voices of the six men. Hoshi reached out and stopped T’Pol. “Turn off your light, Commander,” Hoshi said in a hushed voice. T’Pol turned, looking at her. “Why?” T’Pol asked in her normal voice. “Shhhhh!” Hoshi and Elizabeth both whispered. The two began giggling. “I think I just figured out what the men are up to. Turn off your light so they don’t see us coming,” Hoshi said. T’Pol obeyed, discovering Hoshi and Elizabeth already had. “And what do you suspect they are ‘up to’?” T’Pol asked Hoshi. “Keep your voice down! Follow me,” Hoshi whispered and began walking slowly toward the lake. The women came to the edge of the forest near the lake and stopped. They could see the six men several meters from the shore. Ensign Westgard was telling a tasteless joke, occasionally getting splashed by one of the others. He finished and a dunking match broke out. “They didn’t!” Elizabeth gasped, covering her mouth to keep her laughter quiet. “Oh my God! They did!” Elizabeth whispered in a high-pitched voice. “THEY DID!” “They did what?” T’Pol asked. “They’re skinny dipping!” Hoshi laughed. “Oh my God!” “What is ‘skinny dipping’?” T’Pol asked. “When you go swimming without any clothes on.” “Don’t you normally go swimming without clothes?” “No.” Elizabeth leaned in front of Hoshi, looking T’Pol in the eye. “She means NO clothes. No bathing suit. Nothing! Nothing except the birthday suit you were born in.” “Human children are born in suits?” T’Pol asked. The two women burst out giggling. “You’re about to see a birthday suit, T’Pol,” Hoshi whispered, pointing. One of the men was walking toward the water. “Beer?” the three heard Archer’s voice ask as he came closer to the shore. “I’ll take one,” Trip’s voice replied. “Me too, sir,” Travis and Malcolm replied. “Oh my God!” Hoshi said as soon as Archer’s waist cleared the water. She spun, covering her eyes with a hand before sliding it down over her mouth. Elizabeth grabbed Hoshi’s arm and pressed her face against it to muffle her laughter. “I can’t believe I just saw my captain naked!” Hoshi whimpered between muted giggles. T’Pol looked from Archer to the two women, confused by what they found so funny with the situation. She was, on the other hand, slightly perturbed that Archer hadn’t simply told her he wanted leave to go swimming. “Captain,” T’Pol said in her regular voice as she stepped from the forest onto the beach. “T’POL, NO!” Hoshi whispered, trying to grab T’Pol’s arm before she stepped out of the forest. “NO, T’POL!” Archer made a beeline for the cover of the water. “T’POL!” Archer said. “T’Pol?” the five behind him asked. For a few seconds the other five men were confused until T’Pol switched her flashlight back on. “T’POL!” Travis and Trip yelled when she shone the light on them. The two sank down in the water. “We came back to retrieve mineral samples left behind,” T’Pol explained. She frowned when she saw the men were moving further out into the water. T’Pol turned and walked to a rock breaker that ran out into the water. She walked across it, standing at the end. “T’Pol, stop shining the light on us,” Archer ordered. T’Pol sighed. “Why did you not simply tell me you wished to take leave to swim instead of providing me with a false reason?” “And she’s not alone, Cap’n,” Trip said through gritted teeth. Archer looked at the shore. He could see two more people and flashlights on the shore. “Who’s with you?” Archer asked. “Ensign Sato and Cutler,” T’Pol replied, “I request an explanation, Captain.” “Look, uhm, go get the samples and go back to Enterprise. We’ll talk about this when we get back.” “If we get back,” Travis laughed, “We may run away from shear embarrassment.” The men burst into laughter. T’Pol suddenly realized the humans had had a beer or two too many and were inebriated. Even Doctor Phlox appeared a little too happy. “It is not safe to swim while intoxicated, Captain,” T’Pol pointed out. Archer turned, whispering something to the five. He turned, slowly starting toward T’Pol. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I should have told you,” Archer said, “Actually, I’m probably going to be really sorry as soon as I’m sober.” T’Pol watched him come to the edge of the rocks, the top of his hips just clearing the water when he stopped. Trip and Travis followed him to the edge of the rocks, the three standing side by side with their arms crossed across their chest. T’Pol sensed that there was a conspiracy in the making and decided allowing Archer sober up before continuing this conversation would be wise. “We will continue this conversation in a couple days, sir,” T’Pol turned to leave. The three men scrambled onto the breaker as soon as T’Pol’s back was turned and pulled her into the water as the jumped back in. There was a brief moment of confusion as she pulled away from them and surfaced. T’Pol turned, watching the three moving away from her laughing. T’Pol stood silent for a long moment, struggling not to let her frustration and anger get the better of her. “How’s the water?” Hoshi asked, her laughter carrying her voice a little louder than normal. “Oh great!” Travis laughed, “Might as well join us. T’Pol did.” Archer turned, watching the two women run into the water and swim toward them. “I am going to be court-martialed,” Archer laughed. Ensign Novakovich said. “Sir, I’m afraid for that to happen Starfleet would have to know about this. Who’s going to tell? Besides, you granted all of us shore leave.” “And when on shore leave a Starfleet officer,” Trip began. The other four humans chimed in with him to finish a statement they’d all learned in basic training, “is responsible and liable for his or her own actions. Starfleet will not interfere with local government laws and regulations and officers breaking these laws and regulations will only be permitted legal council and discharged dishonorably for major offenses.” Trip broke of adding, “So getting naked and swimming on a Menshara class moon can’t get you court-martialed since we’re all on shore leave, Cap’n!” The men started laughing hysterically. “I am not on shore leave,” T’Pol said, her anger slipping into her voice. “Ooooo. I think we just mustered some emotion out of T’Pol!” Ensign Westgard laughed. T’Pol let out a slow sigh and started toward the shore. “Oh come on, T’Pol. You need a little r and r too!” Trip called. T’Pol stopped and turned, staring at the eight faces watching her. In a calm voice she said, “Enjoy your shore leave crewmen, Doctor, Captain. I will make the necessary arrangements when I return to Enterprise. Have a good evening.” “Oh come on T’Pol,” Trip called. “T’Pooooooool!” Travis laughed. “Come on, T’Pol. We’re drunk. We won’t remember if you act like us.” “Come on T’Pol,” Ensign Westgard and Novakovich called together. T’Pol kept swimming. “At the same time, yell come back T’Pol,” Archer said quietly. As one the eight yelled, “COME BACK, T’POL!” T’Pol waded out of the water and disappeared into the forest. The eight were silent for a moment. “Trip?” Archer asked. “Yeah?” “We piss off your girlfriend?” “Yep.” “Hm.” “What’s next?” Elizabeth asked. Trip and Archer looked at each other, grinned and dunked Elizabeth. The eight started laughing, joking, hooting and telling tasteless jokes. Hanes is a ® of the Sara Lee Corporation |
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