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Genre: Romance, sweet . . . very, very sweet. But, as I think all of know by now… A romance can be also hot. VERY HOT! I mean: strongly hot! This time the rating is R. (TS Editor's note: Actually, let's say NC-17 to be safe. Our heroes have vivid memories of what they just did together....) Summary: Ahem… I already said: It isn't always woman who goes better than the devil (Even when this woman is a Vulcan female) – And I also said that at the right time you would have known what I want to say. OK! The right time has come! Finally! Spoilers: Indubitably, absolutely, obviously… Harbinger! Sure! Disclaimer: All right! Enterprise is owned by Paramount, not me. No infringement intended, no profit made. Notes: The words in italic between (*___*) represent the thoughts (As usual for me!) Author's note: Please, please, please! Forgive me! This is the five part of my story, but not the last, as I said. The fact is that the story has gone lightly out from my hands! But, I swear, the next part will be the last! Anyway, in this part it’s really shown how the first night of love of our lovebirds ends, and something else, as you will see, if you want to read my fic. In particular… well! I wondered always: “But why did T’Pol dream she was loving Trip in a shower? So… Moreover: Please, remember what I told you in the fourth part: Why the hell T’Pol was talking in that way to Trip, the morning after? After such a night! How was she capable of saying what she said that morning!?! And… What the hell happened between those two, that night? In part four of my story, we began to uncover something about that. Here, in part five, we … go on understanding. Again, a very great thank you to Linda, who kindly edited my work. Swiftly, carefully, gently, and cleverly. Two things, yet. In this part you can find some sentences uttered by some of the personages of Enterprise in some of the episodes. It is a play: want you attempt to understand who and where these sentences were said? And, last but not least, you can find here a peculiar sentence that HopefulRomantic (it is her own) granted me to use. It is absolutely suitable for my job (Thanks, HopefulRomantic!). I’m sure all of you will be able to recognize it! I renew my thanks to all those who appreciated my job, and – once more - I hope I won’t disappoint anyone.
 SCENE ONE “DAMN IT!” The curse arises from him, and I can hear it plainly, albeit it’s choked, in his vain attempt to bottle up it – the same way I am, with better luck, restraining in the depth of my soul the Vulcan equivalent, which nonetheless explodes in my mind: (*bath'pa! *) We stare at each other for a brief instant, in his look an unbelieving and bewildered expression, mirror of my own expression. He looks down at me. I look up at him. Then we realize. He springs up quickly to his feet, disentangling himself from my body and from me, and he stays – nude and uncertain – in front of me. I try to regain my control, unable to suppress a deep and frustrated breath from which seeps out clearly all my acute disappointment. That he hears and perceives perfectly. And that I see mirrored in his blue eyes. I leap up, like he did, barging purposely against him, searching and relishing again our contact, still in the agitation of the moment. (*No! I have no limits, this night! *) One last reciprocal and confused glance, then finally we understand – together – that the time has arrived... to wake up... and to react. Quickly! Swiftly! Hurry! Time presses, and we must be clean and… deodorized… and dressed in a flash, ready to run to our posts. Without engendering hunches, more than those which already exist. Impulsively, I take his head between my hands and draw it towards mine, and – raising myself up on the tips of my toes – I lay a quick kiss on his mouth, basking in the blissful surprise I can see in his amazed eyes, his arms moving aimlessly in the air to either side of me. (*No! No limits, this night! *) Then I take the helm. I’m the First Officer, after all! I know perfectly what I have to do, and what I want to do, although I would never have thought that one day I would have done… this… with somebody. But he is not SOMEBODY! He’s my … T’hai’la! My K’diwa! I grab his hand and I drag him toward the door of my bathroom in a rush. I open the door and I dive into the bathroom, taking him in tow. I stop in the front of the door of my shower. I open its door, too, precipitately, and I dash into the shower, with him still in tow. I place myself so I am in front of him, looking up at him – who now understands and is smiling with surprise and gladness – and I hug him tightly, while my hand moves to turn on the tap. The water’s cold jet runs over us, making us quiver. With chill… and with delicious intimacy. A few seconds will be enough. A few seconds to be cleaned. A few seconds of shared bliss. I turn off the water, reluctantly, and – after a quick glance at his handsome, dripping face – I detach myself from him, rapidly and grudgingly. I grasp a great towel and enshroud both of us with it, and we begin to dry each other. (*No! Never I could have thought that one day I would have done that with anyone! With him! And never! have I felt such a marvellous sensation of togetherness with anyone! *) By now we are acting in unison. (*He and I make a hell of a team. *) Incredulous, I open wide my eyes, at the thought… of the thought that has just occurred to me! And at the thought of the way I have expressed myself, inside me, speaking in the mode that is his habit! I don’t dare to search for a logical explanation. I don’t dare to search for any explanation! But it’s true! He and I make a hell of a team! We throw out the towel, and we tidy our hair in great haste, not caring if it’s wet. It’s late, and it’s absolutely logical that both of us were having a shower in the moment the captain’s voice resounded from OC. And then, my Vulcan hair will fall naturally into place, safeguarding my usual unflappability, whereas – and again I… smile… to myself – no one will find it weird, if the hair of… my Trip… might look slightly… messy. And while these thoughts run through my mind, I see him open wide his eyes, as earlier I did, like he… like he… My katra trembles, because that explanation I didn’t dare to search for is suddenly obvious. (*This is one of his colloquialisms! *) Enough, now! Hand in hand, we leave the bathroom, and split up. I reach my closet and I take out a catsuit. I turn toward him, and I start to put it on, without donning any underwear, for lack of time, and luxuriating in doing this in front of him and in seeing his smile and his eyes which shine, observing my body that twists so as to slide into the catsuit, lurking at last inside it. (*Indeed this night I’m learning a lot about love. And about myself! *) Now we are ready – he, too, dressed with his pants and his t-shirt. I don’t know if he will try to reach his room, to take a uniform, or if he will go to his post dressed like this. But I don’t think this is really important. After all, it’s totally logical – once more – that he was dressed in this way when the Captain’s call came, and everyone knows his frequent absent-mindedness, in everything except for his job. A habit that I found always irritating and... attractive. That I like. And love. Like his blasted enthusiasm. And his language, and his accent, and the way he is moving, and watching, and smiling, and… cussing… And the way he tortures the inner side of his cheek with his tongue, when he feels ill at ease. The warm awareness of this undeniable truth glides into and out my heart, and once again I smile to myself in this…magic night. I smile to myself the third time, three times… – I feel an unspeakable heat inside me – just as three times… in this magic night… my T’hai’la… brought me… to paradise! (*Don't lose sight of your aim! *) I shake myself, and I try to start again to think with the logic which has been my only path. (*Until now! *) Two very important things: First: Make sure too much time hasn’t passed since the tactical alert. I glance at the clock. Ninety seconds. A record. Estimating forty-five seconds yet to reach our posts, it will total one hundred thirty-five seconds. Perfectly acceptable, plausible and adequate. Second: It is equally mandatory that no one could notice him while exiting my room, so late and just after the tactical alert. And with his hair… in a jumble and wet! It would be… very embarrassing. I look rapidly at my T’hai’la. He is smiling mischievously, quite conscious of the train of my thoughts. And he is amused! (*Damn Human! *) No longer do I feel amazement at my thoughts, and I do not even try to find a logical explanation, because I… I know very well the cause, which has nothing to do with logic. And I feel… glad. And scared. I raise my eyebrow at him, and he immediately becomes serious. My T’hai’la is not a fool, and he knows when it is necessary to get serious. He knows when he has to command, and when he has to obey. I admire my K’diwa. (*I love him! *) He nods at me purposely, ready to act, following my moves. I turn toward the door of my room and I reach it in double-quick time, sensing him behind me. I push the button and the door opens, while my T’hai’la lurks, cringing against the wall. I come out from my room stepping out in the corridor, pretending nonchalance and miming my usual behaviour, in case I meet someone. Noises of rushing steps resound everywhere, but the corridor is empty. Stronger than me, a deep breath of relief heaves my chest, and – without turning around – I beckon him with my hand to exit quickly. I perceive him slipping out from my room, behind me, to run along the corridor toward his quarters. But, the moment I feel he is darting, I… I cannot resist. I cannot resist in this magic night! I turn toward him in a flash and grasp his arm. He stops abruptly, and turns his head at me, looking at me with puzzled eyes. I stare at him. Against any logic, I hold him up, squeezing tightly his arm. I stare, intensely, into his marvellous blue eyes. How much… (*How much I would want to kiss you, my K’diwa! *) How much… (*How much I would want to do this! Before the events overwhelm the both of us!*) And… …Trembling visibly for what I’m about to do, in the middle of a tactical alert, in the open air, running the risk that someone could see… …Making real the forbidden thoughts I had, on another magic night… …I throw my mouth against his and I lay a soft kiss on his lips. Then I lower my head for one fast moment, quivering within, before I let go of his arm, fixing my look again into his. I drink his bewildered and blissful gaze, while mine... speaks volumes. Finally he rouses himself. He tightens his mouth, and, with a last, loving glance, he turns and dives in the corridor. My look follows him until he disappears from my view.
“DAMN IT!” I can’t help breaking out with a curse. Immediately I repent and am worried. I don't want to displease her. Not tonight. Not even in the rabid disappointment which pervades me. I look down at her, and I see her look up at me. And I don’t see in her eyes the smallest trace of reproach. Instead, there’s an unbelieving and bewildered expression, mirror of my own expression. We stare at each other for a brief instant. Then we realize. I spring up quickly on my feet, disentangling myself from her body and from her, and I stay in front of her, still lying on her bed – nude and… uncertain. As I am. And while I’m trying to regain my control, I can perfectly hear and perceive a deep and frustrated breath coming from her, a breath full of acute chagrin, the same chagrin that I know is in my eyes. And in this magic night, where wonders seem never to cease… she leaps up, like I did, and she barges purposely against me, searching and relishing again our contact, also in the agitation of the moment. We cast each other one last reciprocal and confused glance, then finally we understand –together – that the time has arrived... to wake up... and to react. Quickly! Swiftly! Hurry! But…what must we do? What must I do? We are here, in her room, both naked, both… heavy with the scent of our lovemaking… And right in the thick of a Tactical Alert, with the Captain who has just called all Senior Officers to their posts! What to do? What to do, for Pete’s sake? I don't want to compromise her, to endanger her, to damage her image of First Officer... to blacken her honor as a woman and a... Vulcan. I don't want to... I cannot… repay her with such coin for all the joy she has given me this night! (*What? What must I do? What…*) The unthought-of touch on my mouth of her lips, soft beyond comparison, transfixes out of the blue the crazy galloping of my brain! A quick kiss! That’s it! A… a sudden, swift, sweet kiss she lays my lips, lifting herself on the tips of her toes and drawing my face down toward hers with her hands! My eyes enlarge, in amazement… and in bliss, while my arms are moving aimlessly in the air to either side of her. And… I swear! ... I can see a flash of amusement in her beautiful dark green eyes! (*No! Wonders never cease this night! *) Then, the well known steady Vulcan expression back on her face… she grabs my hand! (*Wonders… never… cease…!*) The perfect Vulcan First Officer is back! But… this Vulcan First Officer is grabbing my hand! And her steady Vulcan expression… is… different. Softer… sweeter… Amiable. Affectionate! Now she is… my lovely, mild, fond… Vulcan First Officer! But anyway and in any case she is… THE VULCAN FIRST OFFICER! And she knows perfectly what we must do. She takes the helm of the situation. She drags me toward the door of her bathroom in a rush. She opens the door and she dives into the bathroom, drawing me in tow. She stops in the front of the door of her shower. She opens its door, too, precipitously, and dashes into the shower, with me still in tow. She places herself in front of me, and she looks up at me, in such a way… in such a way… that never shall I forget! I have understood what she wants to do, and the surprised and glad smile on my face must reveal the whole happiness of my heart, a happiness which reaches the edge when she hugs me, holding me tightly to her, while her hand moves to turn on the tap. The water’s cold jet runs over us, making us quivering. With chill… and with delicious intimacy. A few seconds. A few seconds to be cleaned. A few seconds of shared bliss. She turns off the water, with evident reluctance, and then she detaches herself from me, rapidly and grudgingly, but not before we have shared a quick glance, which… (*Oh my God! How beautiful it is, and pretty, and lovely her wet and dripping face! *) Acting quickly, she grasps a great towel and enshrouds both of us with it, and we begin to dry each other. (*Never I could have thought that one day she would have done that with anyone! With me! And never! have I felt such a marvellous sensation of togetherness with anyone! *) By now we are acting in unison. (*She and I make a hell of a team. *) And while this thought runs through my mind, I see her open wide her eyes, as if she… as if she… (*Oh hell! Cut the questions, man! *) But it’s true! She and I make a hell of a team! We throw out the towel, and we tidy our hair in great haste, uncaring if appears wet. It’s late, and it’s absolutely logical that both of us were having a shower in the moment the captain’s voice has resounded from OC. And then, her Vulcan hair will fall naturally into place, safeguarding her usual unflappability, whereas – I smile to myself – no one will find it weird, if my hair might look slightly… messy. And this time it’s my turn to open wide my eyes. (*But…! What and how am I thinking?!? From where comes this… this logic? This…*) Cut the questions, man! Hand in hand, we leave the bathroom, and split up. I pick up my clothes from the floor and put them on in a flash, while watching her ecstatically – she who, without donning any underwear, is putting on a catsuit, in front of me – Shamelessly! Voluptuously! - displaying her spectacular body, which twists to slide into it, lurking at last inside it. Now we are ready, she in her catsuit, I in my pants and my t-shirt. I watch her, following the train of her thoughts. And – I can’t help but openly smile – her mind is an open book, for me. (*Will he try to reach his room, to take a uniform, or will he go to his post dressed like this? Never mind! After all, when the Captain’s call rose, he was able to be dressed in this way, and if – by any case – he would reach his post so badly clothed... nothing strange, considering his well known and frequent absent-mindedness, outside of his job. *) I can see the wheels of her brain spinning, calculating rapidly and logically how we have to proceed now. And I can plainly read her thoughts. The time which has passed since the tactical alert, the time we need yet to get to our posts, the way we must act so that my exiting her room isn’t noticed. And at one and the same time I am thinking all that… she glances at the clock, attesting that I've hit the nail in the head. Nothing to do! Even in the middle of this difficult situation, I can’t help but smile mischievously, amused at her perfectly typical conduct. And she catches me smirking like this and gives me the delightful sight of her lifted delicious eyebrow. Immediately I regain a serious demeanour. (*No way. My smart and strong Vulcan First Officer is back. *) But I can't help but smile to myself. There’s a softness, now, in her posture… in that gesture that so many times I have seen, a mellowness, that I can clearly perceive. (*My... Vulcan First Officer. My sweet, passionate, adorable Vulcan First Officer. The Vulcan First Officer only I know. *) There’s a whole world under that delicate raised eyebrow. A splendid, unknown world of love, that I - (*I! *) – have started to discover, to lay open. For me, and only for me. I nod at her purposely, ready to act, to follow her moves. She turns toward the door and reaches it quickly, with me just behind her. She pushes the button and the door opens, while I lurk, cringing against the wall. She steps out into the corridor, pretending nonchalance, in case she meets someone. I hear noises of rushing steps resound everywhere, but I can’t see if the corridor is empty. Then, a deep breath coming from her – a breath of relief – apprises me that no one is in sight, and in fact, without turning around, she beckons me with her hand to exit quickly. I slip out from her room, behind her, and I go to dart, to run along the corridor. But, the moment I’m doing it… I feel her hand grasp my arm. I stop abruptly, and turn my head, finding her turned toward me, with a look… a look… anxious… hazy... confused! I look at her with puzzled eyes. She stares at me, squeezing tightly my arm, holding me up. Against any logic! She stares into my eyes, intensely, with those marvellous eyes of her, deeper than the sea. And then… …Trembling visibly… …Making real the forbidden thoughts I had, on another magic night… …She throws her mouth against mine and she lays a soft kiss on my lips! In the middle of a tactical alert, in the open air, running the risk that someone could see! Then she lowers her head for one fast moment, almost shamefully, before she lets go my arm, fixing her look again into mine. I drink in, bewildered and speechless, her… amorous… gaze, while mine... speaks volumes. Finally I rouse myself. I clench my mouth, and, with a last, loving glance, I turn and dive into the corridor. I feel her look follow me until I disappear from her view.
SCENE TWO The artificial dawn of Enterprise is almost here, and I am here, in my room, enlightened by the faint flame's glimmer of the meditation candles, sitting lotus position… wakeful… trying to pull myself together, after this night… eventful . Uselessly. It has been difficult to… play the role of the usual, cold, efficient Vulcan First Officer all people know I am… (*I was…*) My culture, the training and the habit of a whole lifetime, helped me to imprison in the depths of my soul the agonizing turmoil I was feeling, while I was operating, apparently sure and quiet, on the bridge, next to the Captain, during the emergency caused by the Alien. No one noticed anything strange, in me. I… I’m certain. No one has been able to observe the smallest hesitation in my acting, the smallest deviation from my normal behaviour. No one, not even… Ensign Sato… said anything about my slight delay to reach my post, in the confusion of the events. And… no one… not even Ensign Sato… paid attention to… to the wetness of my hair, to… the unperceivable trembling of my hands. But the turmoil was there, inside me. And it is yet here, indomitable, in spite of my efforts, impossible to control with the meditation, stronger more than ever. Stronger than me. It is at the surface, by now, and dominates me. I try to breathe deeply and regularly, my eyes closed and my hands lying on my knees, in the attempt to find the peace I indeed need. In vain. I open my eyes, defeated, and all the images and the sensations and the words and the thoughts of the night run free and powerful inside me and around me. I, who offer myself, nude, to him. His stunned look. I, who throw myself upon him. With unrestrained desire. His joyous acceptance. His hands on my hips. The paradise… the paradise of my first orgasm, the first orgasm of my life, which… which he… he gave me with his tongue. I shut my eyes, again, tightly, reliving vividly, as if it was here and now, the marvellous, heartbreaking feel of his tongue inside me, of his hands playing my body totally opened to him, of losing myself in him. What have I done? (*What have I done? *) I leap up to my feet, eyes widened, my fists clenched until they spasm. (*What have I done? *) How… how was I able to behave like this? How is it possible that I have done what I did? That I was… imploring him… to take me? To make me his? To… pick up, in his hands, the… The words he would use go spontaneously to my mouth. “The flower of my virginity!” How, how, how!?! I begin to oscillate on my feet, my head swaying from one side to the other, an unconscious whine running low in my mouth. Shame be upon me! Shame! My virginity! To him! To a man not of my race! To a Human! Emotional! Volatile! Inconsiderate! To him! (*TO HIM! *) Him… I breathe long and deep, shutting my eyes again. Him… who so sweetly, carefully… amorously… has taken possession of me! And again the astounding feelings and sensations of the night, of our passionate encounter of… love… seize me. His arms that enwrap me… His hands that caress my skin. My arms that hold him to me. His mouth that kisses my mouth. His lips… His tongue… His body that sinks into mine. My body… filled with him! His seed… hot… inside me! The paradise of our shared bliss! I feel overwhelmed! I crumble to my knees. As… a movie… as a movie like those he showed to me… it flows before my eyes again... all the scenes, all the sighs, all the pleasure of our passion night. As…a movie. The movie of my complete and utter fall from logic. All, I see again. And I… feel! All! ALL! I wanted him again! I welcomed him … in my mouth! I revealed myself, and gave myself to him without restraint, in my body and in my soul, luxuriating in the sight and in the feel of him – who watched and tasted me so undone, basking in the libidinous awareness of his lordship over me. I luxuriated in the sight of his eyes which drank in lustfully the view of my body, naked to him and for him. And… My eyes snap open wide. I marked him as my own! Him! The most Human of the Humans. Him! How was I be able to do this? To take him as my… chosen one? How was my katra able to really believe that a human and a Vulcan can have a future together? That I and he can stay together? I jump up yet again and run toward the bed, and I flop down upon it, face down, an unfamiliar wish inside me. A wish... to cry. I lay my right cheek on the blanket, my eyes moist, and put my hands next my head, my arms bent. And I push with the fingers of my left hand against my mouth, trying to restrain the cry inside. (*How? *) How was I able to fall down so completely? How is it possible I am incapable of controlling myself? Of giving in so to emotions? (*Emotions… Emotions! *) EMOTIONS! (*I know why! *) I know why! I’m damned! Lost! Damned! Damned! DAMNED! I'm the shadow of myself. I made my damnation with my own hands! I lift my torso, straightening out my arms and pushing my hands flat on the bed, raising my head and turning my face ahead. A shout comes out, choked, from my mouth. “TRELLIUM!” The Trellium I wanted in order to… to savor emotions. To be able to taste them without fear. I jump to sit, throwing my back against the wall and pushing my legs against my chest. I encircle them with my arms and rub my face against my knees. My tearful voice frees up the thought I never expressed, not even to myself. “The Trellium I wanted so I would be capable of loving like Human women do. To be able… to love him! Without fear of being … rejected by him! ” Because he … got in under my skin! I wanted him, and I didn’t know what I would have to do, how I would have to do it. And so… I began… my addiction, without daring to confess to myself the true reason. And when at last my jealousy pulled the trigger, I found the courage to do what I did. I lift my head aloft, swallowing, trying not to cry. And now Trellium has reduced me to this point. I am dust! Unworthy to be a Vulcan! Who will save me? WHO WILL HELP ME? And my eyes enlarge, while the obvious… logical… answer emerges on my lips. “My K’diwa will save me!” My… K’diwa! I did think it. I did say it. I… think it. It’s… true! True! Like… I put my face down, on my knees, sighing with joy and with dread. Like it’s true the… the… bond… I feel… I know… has become established between us. (*I wanted him, and I had him, and I have him. And he, my K’diwa…*) – I feel inside me a delight I never did think might exist! - (*…my K’diwa… had me, and wanted me, and… wants me! *) He is bonded with me! He doesn't know it, can't know it! He is not a Vulcan! But it's so! I murmur these words with stunned and joyous marvel. “It’s so!” And I savour again inside me the gorgeous sensation of our shared acting... of our thinking in unison, when we were preparing ourselves, after our lovemaking, in great haste, in worry, in disbelief... and in joy. As we were... (*One! *) I close my eyes, sighing. ONE! Yes, one! One, when we played our love games. One, when he emptied himself inside my body the second time. One, when I shouted his name in my release. One, when he saved me, as… (*As he will save me, yet again! *) As forever he will do! My… K’diwa! I can’t help but sighing again, lovingly and dreamingly, and my arms go around me, on their own will, embracing myself, as I was hugging him and holding him tightly to me! And I begin to move as if I’m cradling him on my chest! But how is it possible that there was a time during which I was judging… incomprehensible… ridiculous… this thing that Humans call love? That Vulcans want… to drown in their past? to control? This marvellous thing that is capable of merging two bodies and two souls? As if they were... one. I sigh again, blissful and incredulous of my… - how do they say, how would he say? - of my… godsend, while I’m going on with my rocking, reliving the unspeakable intimacy we have shared, the astounding interpenetration which has joined us, each with the other. Each in the other. As we were one. One body, one mind, one soul, one heart. ONE! I and he. I and... my K’diwa! My T’hai’la, my Ashal-veh! My Ashayam! I stand up – Quickly! Swiftly! - unable to bear the overwhelming... happiness… I feel. I start to walk to and fro, in agitation, pacing rapidly across the floor, the way Humans do, the way HE does, when he is trying to relieve the strain, and I notice – abruptly – I notice... I'm moving my tongue inside my mouth, against my cheek! I stop, suddenly, my eyes wide open, my mouth ajar, my arms motionless at my sides. In wonder and in knowledge. My lips move, spontaneously. I whisper. “WE ARE ONE!” I slip down slowly to the floor and sit on it, leaning against the bed’s edge, with my legs crossed, and I cover my mouth with my hands. As if I’m afraid new words might slide out from my lips. Words which mustn’t be said. What are Vulcans to me? What is my home world? Who cares, if the reproof of my race will fall on me? If I will be banished from my native land? Already I defied the High Command! I will do it one more time! And I will defy the Captain, and Starfleet, too, if necessary! Because, even if I must lose everything else… I will have him! (* I will have you, my T’hai’la! I … have… you! *) I’m unable to stay firm. I have to move! I stand up quickly. I go swiftly towards the window and I stare out, into the endless black space. (*Oh yes, yes, yes! You will be my home world! You will be… you are my refuge, my trusted haven, my safe shelter! With you I will be capable of controlling these... emotions! You will help me! You will save me! Yes! And when... *) I open my eyes wide, at the sudden, dire thought. (*… When you will leave me, at the end of your life, I… I will have… your everlasting memory! *) I lower my eyelids, endeavouring to fight against the tumult I feel inside me. (*And perhaps…*) I turn slowly and, my back leaning on the wall, I slid little by little along it on the floor, once more. I curl my knees against my bosom and I hold them to me, laying my face upon them, breathing sharp at the illogical, absurd, poignant… wonderful… thought which has filled my mind. And which inexorably finds a feeble voice in my mouth. “Perhaps… I will have with me, to… to remind me of you… I will have… the children I will give you!” I hold my knees tightly to me, as I’m clenching my eyes and my lips, in the hopeless attempt to control and alleviate the uproar within. Without avail. And the movie of this unforgettable night begins again to flow through my mind. And I see myself again, while I re-emerge slowly from the maelstrom which engulfed me, after I screamed his name at the acme of my annihilating orgasm. I see myself again on my bed. I hear again my voice repeating his name in unison with the last waves of pleasure which make my body shiver. I feel again his soft, warmish breath on my skin. My hand, which caress delicately the nape of his neck. My lips, which fondly kiss his cheek. My… serenity! His cowlick, which hangs down on his forehead. My hand, which tenderly resettles it. His beautiful, marvellous blue eyes, which widen in wonder and in bliss. His question, when he whispered so sweetly my name. I open my eyes slowly, without changing my position, rewatching myself dreamily while I was preparing to give him, finally, the answer he needed. I know that he will face me soon, to demand this answer. The answer I wasn’t able to give him because of pressing events. I can hear his unmistakable voice. ********* “Morning T’Pol…”
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********* He will go on, smiling slightly, a little bit ill at ease.
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********* I know it! I know him! More… A mild heat warms my heart. (*… More than anyone else! *) I will reply to him, with nonchalance.
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********* “Indubitably, the alien has given us a lot of work to do.” “The alien has gone. The two of us are here.” “I don't know what you mean.” “Don’t…don’t you?”
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********* “It was… agreeable.” “A… agreeable, T’Pol?”
********* I will watch him with laughing eyes, and I will take his hand, also in open air. I will say it to him!
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********* Then I will go on, with low voice.
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********* He will talk... faltering.
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********* Then he will begin to try to soften the atmosphere, with his enchanting humor.
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********* He will understand, and will… He will… I raise my head abruptly, frowning, in fear. He… will ask me…
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********* I bring my hands to cover my mouth! I start to breathe harshly! “You… you will understand, T’hai’la, won't you?" I begin to tremble. My hands shake. “You… will understand, T’hai’la! You will understand it hasn't been the Trellium!" I can’t stop my quivering. I start to cry out! “It hasn’t been that! It hasn’t been that! I… I love you, T’hai’la! I love you! Trellium or no Trellium! You will understand! YOU MUST UNDERSTAND! ” I begin again to pace the floor, briskly, twisting my hands. “Oh yes, yes, yes! You will understand! Yes! You will understand! SURE! And you…” I stop all of a sudden! I turn, searching for… searching for… I don’t know for what! I turn again! And again! And again! I fall on the floor, curled in a trembling ball! The fearsome awareness of what is happening to me hits me. Devastatingly. I hear my voice, tremulous. “Will you be able to understand, my K’diwa, that I’m…” My voice breaks. “Will you be able to want…” I feel myself dying inside. “…an… addict? ” The thoughts run the one after the other, like a whirlwind; I’m incapable of halting them. (*An addict! That's what I am! An addict! And how will I be able to tell him? And how will he react? Will he be capable of understanding? Of comprehending me? Or …*) The horror! (*Or he won’t understand and … and I… I will have turned my back on myself and my people... for nothing! To spend my life alone and rejected, by my people and by him! For having… for having NOT his love, but his disapproval! Because…*) The words go inevitably to my lips. “Because I have failed in my dignity and my responsibilities of First Officer of Enterprise, of Second in Command! As a woman and as a Vulcan! And because… I have hidden the truth from everyone.” I can hear his voice, bitter and sarcastic – “Vulcans don’t lie, do they? Eh, hon?” I feel the cry break free. (*I lied to him! *) NO! I straighten my back suddenly, clenching my mouth and my fists, trying to breathe normally and to calm down. (*I lied, but I won’t be ever again! *) “And you…” My weak voice finds the road to come out, free, from the depth of my soul. I close my eyes, in the crazy hope. “You will understand me, my K’diwa. You will want me yet, T’hai’la! You…” I join my hands, beseeching. “You cannot forget our night of love…all the passion and the love you taught me!” I open my eyes again, my voice trembling, unsure. “I’m… sure!” And then… the… the terror, yet again! (*And if I am mistaken? If what I have done is so grievous to him that he cannot forgive it? That he cannot give me the warm humanity he is capable of offering to everybody? Just because I am not… everybody… for him? *) I seize my knees firmly, and clench them. I take a deep breath. (*I will tell nothing to him! I will show him all my love, and nothing else! I won't run the risk of losing him! I will hide the truth from him! I will lie! *) And he will know it! With his queer instinct. With his penetrating cleverness. With his ability to read everyone. Especially... and above all... me! I shake in the knowledge of the veracity of these thoughts and in the uncertainty of what I have to do. A love based on lies! I close my eyes again, my hands sweaty. (*That’s what I want? That’s my… destiny? The destiny I want to condemn him to?*) NO! I don’t want that! (*I… I will…*) I feel my heart beat madly inside me. (*I will tell him everything! EVERYTHING! And my T’hai’la will understand, and won’t beat me off! No! He will help me! He will be close to me! He will want me! *) HE WILL WANT ME! I pant, whimpering feebly and weakly. (*And I will be capable of ceasing my addiction, with you next to me! And I will love you, with my whole self! I will give you my whole self! I…*) I gasp, raising my head all at once and broadening my eyes at the deadly doubt which pierces my mind suddenly, like a sharp and red-hot knife. How will I be able to love him… without Trellium? The way Human women do? How… how will I be capable of giving him the love he searches for, he needs? I’m Vulcan, I don’t know the road. I… (*I will disappoint you, my K’diwa! I will dissatisfy you! *) Something I haven’t ever felt chokes my whole being. It’s an awful sensation, a feeling… destroying and harrowing. Is it… despair? I shrink in a quivering lump of… desperation. Crying, whining. Dying. I'm trapped, at bay. There's no way to escape. Any road is a dead end. And suddenly another emotion turns up inside me. I feel myself get… get angry. Angry with him! (*It’s his fault! Because of him I reduced myself to such a point! *) It’s his fault! Only his! (*It’s his fault if I fell in love! *) It’s his fault if I’m incapable of thinking… logically, if I searched these… these damned emotions, if I searched his love, if I… (*If I love him! *) I stay so for a long while. Pining and thinking. (*With the Trellium, I will destroy myself eventually, and you with me, my Ashayam. Without the Trellium, I will destroy you eventually, and me with you, my Ashayam. If you are with me, I will destroy both us eventually, in some way or other, my Ashayam. But if we are not together, I will destroy only…*) I stand up, slowly, and I stare steadily into the void. I have made my decision. I have decided to die inside. I won't abnegate my race and I won't beguile him. I won't risk losing him just the moment I have found him, and I won’t drag him into a future of untruth and of confusion But I don’t want to disappoint him. I want him to be… happy! I raise my face, sensing moisture on my cheeks. (*I will deny myself to you, my K’diwa! I will treat you badly, with… Vulcan coldness! I will tell you that you… that you… have been nothing more than an experimen… my way to explore… to explore human sexuality! *) I lower my head. (*That all we have shared has nothing to do with matters of… the heart. *) I endeavour to breathe. (*That you had my body. Not my soul. *) I rub my tear-filled eyes with the back of my hands, and I go slowly toward my bed – the bed where we loved each other – and I sink on it, once again. Face down, once again. Crying plainly. Again. And his voice resounds once more in my mind. Dismayed. Incredulous. Attempting to force me. He will insist, without relenting. He… NEVER… relents!
********* “I don’t know what you mean.”
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********* “Doubtlessly some of my actions of the night are explainable with difficulty. It’s probable that the Expanse has something to do with all that, and with all that happened this night between us. But, unlike other emotional races, Vulcans are always capable of finding again the rational road.”
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********* “Which word?”
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********* “I think you are getting emotional. You’re overworked. You’re having aural hallucinations. You should consult with the doctor.”
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********* I… I will have to speak like this to him, because I don’t want to run the risk of keeping his friendship yet. I DON’T WANT HIS FRIENDSHIP! I want one thing I never will be able to have. I want… I would want… his love! (*And how would I be able to bear your closeness and your friendship, my K’diwa, without dying day after day – night after night! – devoid of your love?! *) Humans say that crying is… liberating. It… it doesn’t seem that wayto me! I see his face among my sobs and through my misty eyes. His handsome, sorrowful face, looking at me one last time, before turning and leaving me alone with my destiny! (*My destiny of solitude, without you! *) And I will jog on to my quarters, and there... I will cry... and will sob... desperate... Like now. (*You'll have to suffer through it, I… I know! But… you will forget me, little by little, in your Human way. *) I bite my lips. (*And perhaps I will keep my emotions suppressed, somehow, in my Vulcan way. Perhaps I will manage to fight against my addiction, somehow, also without you next to me, in my Vulcan way. *) It is bitter, my tears' taste! (*And I will wilt, little by little, without you, my K’diwa. In my Vulcan way! *) And our bond… I snap my head up. I… scream!!! “Which bond? Which bond? Which bond? ” The words come bitterly from me, among my unrestrainable sobs. "Ha... ha... " I yell it in the air. "Hallucinations! " I drop down my head, hiding and pressing my face on the bed, my mouth damping down that word against the bedsheet. "Hallucinations! " I try to control my tears bt rubbing my face against the sheet, and, in my weeping, I sniffle. And I inhale… his scent in my bed! Like a harrowing lash of the whip into my flesh! It permeates and pervades me! It inebriates me! It brings inside itself all the sensations, the feelings... all the love he has given to me. The vision and the perception of all that he might give me yet. And that he will no longer give to me. That I will no longer have. NEVERMORE! I straighten on my bed. I begin to shake, yet again! How… where… will I find the courage… the strength... to make my decision? How will I do it? How? HOW? Who… what… will give me the strength? WHAT? I stand up, mumbling and gesticulating. Incoherently. WHAT? I… I… know… what! I’m damned! Lost! Damned! Damned! DAMNED! I'm the shadow of myself. I made my damnation with my own hands! I run toward my bathroom, eyes wide. I stop abruptly in front of my bathroom, open the door and enter it quickly. I… I need… I desperately need… to find the strength! I stare, gazing at the drawer I well know. I must find the strength! I must! I… I seize the knob of the drawer. I pull it forcefully and I open the drawer. I look into the drawer and see it. A little ampoule. I grasp it. I run toward my desk. I open the drawer. I grip the… device which is inside. I put the ampoule in the device. I bring the device to my neck. I inject… the Trellium… into my veins.
I should sleep. Surely. At least a tiny bit. The engine is heavily damaged, and I will have to work diligently to fix it, and my head hurts, as does my whole body, after I got knocked unconscious. (*And I feel very weary… worn out…*) I lift my head from my computer desk, where I’m drawing up the official report the Captain needs. (*… after the first part of this night. *) I straighten on my chair, looking ahead, a padded and intangible sensation, of… of unreality… enfolding me. The same sensation has accompanied me since I left her, in the corridor, after… (*After her kiss! *) I shake my head. I don’t know exactly how I did it, but I found myself perfectly dressed in Engineering, in the thick of the emergency, among people too busy to pay attention to my slight delay or to my damp hair. Or to my strange expression. And then, before I was able to do anything, just when the Captain called me, the world exploded around me, and I awoke in sickbay. The doctor in front of me, with that… that look in his eyes! Luckily he didn't demur, when I told him I needed to go, that I had to check the engines. That was the truth. Partially. Duty helped me not to think. Partially. Later, in my quarters, I started drawing up the official report. And that helped me not to think. Partially. I look down at my computer. The official report is done. Mechanically, I send it to the Captain, through the security channel. Now, I have done all I had to do. I can sleep, now. Surely. I can sleep. Instead of thinking. (* Like I’m doing. *) And my hand goes naturally to my shoulder. It hurts. Sweetly. I’m naked from the waist up and my hand rubs delicately my wound, to and fro, unconsciously, like it wanted to be sure that the wound really exists. I perceive under my fingers the tiny signs… of her teeth. My mind relives as in a dream the sensation of her teeth sinking into my flesh, as she finds her release... by me. Penetrated by me, filled up with me. I blink, in the attempt to slip out from this unreal atmosphere that wraps me. (*This one is not unreal! *) I tilt my face to look at my shoulder, while my fingers delicately caress my skin. I can’t see well, so I stand up, with a quick movement, making my chair tumble, and without caring about that, I go swiftly toward my bathroom. I feel very well my wound, I know it is true and real, and nevertheless – unreasonably – I want to see it. I want to see it. I place myself in front of the mirror and I see my wound. Her mark! I scrutinise it. I… contemplate it. In astounded disbelief. I pass my fingers lightly over it. It is perfectly evident… A sort of crown, divided in two parts, made with a lot of small signs. Many tiny red wounds, absolutely regular and deep. The track of the set of her teeth. The mark… I breathe deeply and long. The mark of her passion and… I close my eyes tightly. (*…and of her love! *) I lift my eyelids slowly and I see… I see, in the mirror in front of me, the face of an unknown man. He stares at me from the mirror, with a disconcerted expression. He seems to be asking. “Is it you?” I reciprocate the gaze of my mirrored image. I speak, softly. “Is it me?” I go on automatically brushing my fingers over my wound. “Am I the man to whom she gave this?” I fix my eyes into the man's eyes, the man who stares at me from the mirror. “The man…” I feel my breath go away. “… to whom she gave… herself?!?” A marvel of dazed joy runs through me. “For the first time in her life! ” I lock my eyes with the dumbstruck man I see in the mirror. “I am… the man… she… wanted… to be… the one… who… picked up,… in… his… hands… the… flower… of her… virginity!” Her words peal in my mind! I feel her yet! I feel her holding my head tightly against her, placing her right cheek on my right cheek. I… I feel her mouth on my ear! I… hear… her voice… low… husky… in my ear! “I… want… you!” I tightly clench my eyes. (*I… want… you! *) She said that! And I… I have made her mine! (*MINE! *) One time! And again! And that isn’t a dream! I open my eyes slowly and look at my mark. (*This isn’t a dream! *) And suddenly, in the mirror, behind my image, I see the peering doctor’s look, scanning me when I waked up in sickbay, dressed only in my underwear. I see again that sparkle of amusement in his eyes, behind his professional expression… while he looks at my shoulder. (*This isn’t a dream! *) I turn around, almost gingerly, and I move toward my desk, inch by inch, still gripped by a sensation of unreality. I stop in front of the desk. I stay for awhile, my look and my mind straying. Then I turn my head toward my bed. (*I must sleep. *) Yes. I must. I walk toward the bed, step after step, and I flop down upon it, face up, flat on my back, bending my left arm, to cover my eyes. To induce sleep. And all the images and the sensations and the words and the thoughts of the night run free and powerful inside me! My voice.
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********* And me, making up my mind to admit the truth, with sham nonchalance.
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********* I take my arm away from my face, opening my eyes, seeing again her lovely visage which faces mine, while her sweet voice goes on talking, with intention.
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********* ME? I look at the ceiling, while the roads I have passed through during these years on Enterprise are spinning in a whirl in my mind and my soul. Attracted to you? ME!?! All along, T’Pol! All along! Since the first time I met you! Since I saw your… awfully nice bum! And your delightful small feet! And your pretty face! And your nose! Your mouth! Your delicious eyebrows! Your eyes! Your eyes which sound a dark green sea, an unfathomable ocean! And your marvellous… (*My God! *) I gasp, my eyes wide open, while I see it again, like it was happening now, before me. I see her opening her robe and letting it slid from her shoulders on the floor, with a fluid motion, exposing her astounding body, wholly nude, to my sight. I experience again my dazed and flabbergasted – and wonderful – feelings, while I was running my astonished eyes over her, along her breathtaking body, scrutinizing it from head to feet. I see again, under my eyes, her shapely, long, smooth legs. Her well shaped thighs. The… the dense downy hairs covering her sex. Her flat belly. Trembling with… desire! Her firm breasts! Swollen with desire! Rising and swelling with the rhythm of her harsh breath! Her nipples! Her heavenly nipples, erect … I feel my breath stop! … erect with lust for the touch of… my fingers, of my hands… … of my mouth… … of my tongue! And, at last, … her face! Her gorgeous, splendid, incomparably beautiful face… which stares at me covetously and with eager lust! I sit up, slowly, on my bed and I cross my legs, my hands grasping my ankles, and I lean forward, squinting, like I am observing again... her marvellous features. The image of their absolute beauty. A beauty… I lean back against the wall. A beauty that only I know! I shut my eyes. (*Attracted to you, T’Pol? *) I knew we had some kind of chemistry the first time we got into an argument. I never had fun arguing with anyone before. But that is something else. That’s… Attracted to you, T’Pol? No. (*No! *) I’m in love with you, T’Pol! (*I am hopelessly, desperately in love with you, utterly and forever! *) And this… IS ABSOLUTELY REAL! Beyond any doubt! And beyond remedy! I’m in love with you, T’Pol, because not only did I see and… taste the perfection of your body. I did see… and savour… (*THE SUPREME beauty of YOUR SOUL! *) I saw it through the transparent, limpid window of your eyes so deep that I have gotten lost in those depths. (*Into your soul! *) And you… I spring up on my feet, unable to stay on the bed. (*You love me! *) Yes! It’s so! I don’t deceive myself! It wasn’t an illusion of my heart, the look I saw in her eyes when we re-emerged slowly from the maelstrom which engulfed us, after… after I heard her screaming my name at the acme of her orgasm. And the sweet sound of her voice repeating my name in unison with the last waves of pleasure of our love. Her hand, caressing delicately the nape of my neck. Her lips, kissing fondly my cheek. Her mild gesture, when she resettled tenderly my cowlick. The words… the words of love!… I know – I’M SURE! – she was about to tell me, in answer to my dumb question, when I whispered… with trepidation… her name. (*And you… you will tell me those words, won’t you, Hon? WON’T YOU?! *) You…YOU WILL TELL ME YOU LOVE ME, T’POL! Soon! When we will met in the mess hall. I can see the scene, as if it were real and happening under my eyes. I will enter the mess hall and I will see her, sitting quietly while drinking solemnly her usual cup of tea. I clench my eyes tightly, focusing on the scene my mind is building. I will greet her, trying to appear normal, a cup of strong and hot coffee between my hands, so as to find the right tone, well knowing her necessity for polite and formal behaviour and for decorum. (*In public! *)
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********* I smile to myself. I know what she will do. I see it! I see her perfect eyebrow that gets arched, with a puzzled expression. (*Oh yes, yes! With a knowing… warm expression! *) And her voice. Soft. Sweet. Alluding.
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********* HOW? What the hell would it mean HOW? I gnash, almost angrily. We have made love, for Pete’s sake! And now aren’t I capable of imagining what I should tell her? We have made love! (*We… have… made… love! *) And the swollen river of images and sensations of our night of passion and of love begins again to flow inside me. I see her. I hear her. I feel her! I start to pace the floor with long and quick steps, all around the room, attempting to calm down. I halt near my desk and lean on it with both hands, stretching out my arms, almost unable to hold up the overwhelming whirlwind which assaults my mind. She, who offers herself, nude, to me. She, who throws herself upon me, with impunity. With yearning desire. With unrestrained desire. And who kisses angrily my mouth! My… my hands on her hips! The paradise… the paradise of the feel of my tongue as it tastes her… inside! That brings her to orgasm, my hands playing her body totally opened to me! She, who is losing in me, in this way, before… before… I shut, again, tightly. (*Before she begged me to take her, before… I knew she was virgin!*) And she who gives herself to me! I straighten my chair out, an unthinking gesture, and I sit on it, laying my forearms upon my desk, my look dreamy and lost. In the most enchanting daydream of my whole life. I… get her… I penetrate her. Sweetly, carefully… amorously… I take possession of her. My arms enwrap her… My hands caress her skin. Her arms… hold me to her. My mouth kisses her mouth. Her lips… My tongue dances with her tongue. My body sinks into hers. Her body gets filled with me! My seed replenishes her! The paradise of our shared bliss! All, I see again. And I… feel! All! ALL! She doesn’t allow me to leave her! She wants me to take her again! She takes in me… into her mouth! I see her, I feel her disclose herself to me; give herself to me completely, in her body and in her soul; luxuriate in the sight and in the feeling of me watching and tasting her so undone. I feel her bask in the libidinous awareness of my lordship over her; revel dissolutely in the sight of my eyes which drink lustfully the view of her body, naked for me. I feel, I hear her… My eyes snap open wide! …Who says to me she’s mine! I jump up yet again and go toward the bed, and I flop down upon it, face up, a powerful wish inside me. A wish... to shout loud my happiness. Like she – MY T’POL! – shouted aloud that… “Yourrrrrrrrrrr! ” I roll on my back, turning my face to the ceiling. It’s true! Real! It’s not a dream! Really she said it! Really she used that word. That…. K’… K’d… K’di… I shake my head. I am not capable of uttering that word, but one thing is sure. It’s a word that is worth the whole universe. Yes! Something happened between us, a sort of magic… I don’t know what. But it happened, undoubtedly. I have felt it, clear and pellucid, during the marvellous night she gave to me, and… after our lovemaking. I can savour again inside me the gorgeous sensation of our shared acting... of our thinking in unison, when we were preparing ourselves, in great haste, in worry, in disbelief... and in joy. As we were... (*One! *) My mouth pronounces spontaneously this incredible word, in a low tone. “ONE!” Once more I sit up, on my bed, and lean my back on the wall, breathing long and deeply, like she taught me, trying to pull myself together. (*One, hon, One! And you will ask me what I was referring to? *) We made love, damn it! I made you mine, damn it! You wanted me to harvest you, damn it! You told me you are mine, damn it and damn it and damn it! I jump up on my feet, lifting my arms up in air, and I say in a loud voice the words I will tell her, in answer to her impish request. “I don’t refer to the alien, T’Pol! I refer to what happened between us, in your quarters!”
********* “Oh!”
********* I will look at her, trying to find the right way.
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********* “A… agreeable, T’Pol?”
********* She will watch me with laughing eyes, and she will take my hand, also in open air. She will say it to me!
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********* And then… I sit my elbows on my thighs and put my face between my hands. Then… she will go on, with low voice.
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********* “It was… I was… You were… I… love you, T’Pol!”
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********* Finally she will give vent to her heart! (*She…*) My mind gets lost in my dream. (*She… will say it, at last! *)
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********* I am smiling openly, now, savouring my joy in advance. (*It will happen thus! Without doubt! Without doubt! *) Without… And… and if I’m mistaken? If… My shoulders hunch at the appalling fear which suddenly seizes me. (*If all this is real, but she won’t admit her feelings for me? If she will be…*) AFRAID? Oh no, no, no! Vulcans don’t get afraid. They are logical, they are not unable to control their emotions! They… All of a sudden the truth hidden in my thoughts reveals itself with all its dimensions. I widen my eyes. She didn’t control her emotions. She got lost in them! And I – Yes! – I! I am the man who smashed all her barriers! And I know she would have told me really her love! In the night! (*In the night! *) But the night is ended, now. And she… she has had time to think, and to become… afraid! I close my eyes, in dread. (*But what am I thinking? How can I believe she will deny herself to me for…!*) FOR FEAR! And then I see again that look, that look of fear in her eyes, when she was realizing what she was about to do, before I was capable of reassuring her. (*To make her forget her… FEAR! *) I stand up again, and start to walk through the room, in agitation, unable to deviate from the mad rushing of my mind, my hands grasping each other behind my back, as… I halt abruptly! As is her custom! (*WHAT THE HELL…?*) Now… I… I don’t know why, but I feel a sort of… anger growing inside me! What the hell is happening to me? What the hell are these… these things I don’t understand? Like those things I have experienced during our love making, those things so strange, so… I am only a poor Human! (*I am only a poor Human! *) A poor Human engineer fallen in love with a gorgeous, beautiful… damned! ... Vulcan First Officer! (*In love! *) But maybe this is love. One more time that strange feeling of being “one with her” seizes me. Maybe… SURELY!... love is to share feelings, is to act in unison, to… think… in unison! And I love her. And she loves me! So… if it were true? If I am not mistaken? If really she will feel fear, and, because of this fear, she will… (*She will be afraid of admitting her love! *) Will I be capable of perpetuating the magic of the night? Will I be able to chase away her fear yet again? I feel my own fear grow inside me, irrational and invincible. I don’t want to lose her the same moment I have found her! (*I DON’T WANT TO LOSE HER! *) How… how will I do it? How will I react if she… if she really denies the truth? The truth I know? What will I have to say? I clench my fists, trying to calm down. All this is irrational, is… I wince at the word which blazes in my mind. (*ILLOGICAL! *) No! Enough now! I need, I need… I need… something that is able to quiet me. And that maybe is able to… to help me, at the right time. I turn my head, looking toward the cabinet, and then at the clock. Time has passed. It's almost the moment to go. (*And I didn't sleep. *) I gaze at the cabinet yet again. Never have I done it at this time of day, but… (*I feel the necessity, now! *) I walk slowly toward the cabinet and open it. (*Her damned nose won’t perceive the smell! Not over the coffee!*) I hope. I take the bottle and one glass out from the cabinet and pour a generous dose. I stare intensely and pensively at the amber liquid in the glass. (*So it is true. Women can bring men to do that! *) I send the whiskey down my throat!
SCENE THREE I feel him before I hear him. I perceive his scent, the scent which belongs only to him. And its potency clouds my mind. And this morning… this morning it’s different. It is blended… with mine! (*Calm down, now! I can dominate the situation. The… the Trellium will help me!*) “Morning.” His voice. His unmistakable intonation. (*So charming! So… I said “CALM DOWN”! *) I don’t need to watch him to know he is addressing me. The moment has come. (*Calm down! CALM DOWN! ) I keep on drinking my tea, quietly. (* QUIETLY! *) I greet him politely. Without looking at him. “ Commander.”
Here she is! Sitting noiselessly at the table, while drinking her tea how placidy, true to form. How beautiful she is! (*Calm down, now! Don't let the situation dominate you! First of all a greeting! Normal! Maybe a little bit warmer than usual, yes!*) “Morning.” (*Oh holy shit! That’s all I’m capable of, saying hello? After last night? After all my thinking about last night? After all my… machinating? After…*) “ Commander.” How… how distant… her tone is! And she does not even watch me! Like nothing has happened! Like… (*Beast of a man! What did you expect? That she would throw her arms at your neck?*) Calm down, Calm down! Certainly… it’s strange she… doesn’t deign even to look at me. Maybe… maybe my fear… was correct? A sore anxiety begins to make its way inside me. (*Calm down! CALM DOWN! *) Coffee! Strong! (*Yes! Coffee! Strong! That’s what I need! And then I… have to mask my breath, if I want to talk to her… closely. *) I turn and call for the coffee, gaining time in the meantime. “Coffee. Strong.” (*Come on! Get a move on! *) The moment has come. My cup between my hands, I turn toward her and glance at her, smiling a little bit clumsily. She keeps on drinking her tea, quietly. Still without looking at me. (*Say something, foolish man! Say something which has good sense! *) “Some night.” (*Oh crap! *)
What do I have to do? What is the best demeanour to have? I continue to ignore him while I hear his voice ordering a coffee. “Coffee. Strong.” (*Strong! *) Why am I feeling this trembling inside? Obviously he wants a strong coffee, after such a night. (*After such a night! *) Enough! (*Remember your decision, T’Pol! This is the correct conduct. Distant, cold…*) What a chill, within! I feel him approach me. If I were looking at his face, I’m sure I would see an iffy smile plastered on it. He is looking at me, I can sense it. He is searching for the right words. (*Ignore him! Ignore him! *) “Some night.” I have to force myself not to react, in hearing him saying the exact locution I have figured he would use, and – automatically – turning slightly my head toward the table, still without looking at him and crossing my legs to pull myself together, I answer him. Coldly and placidly. With nonchalance. “Eventful.” (*Eventful! *) But this time I’m… I’m not keeping him guessing, before I tell him my true feelings. This time… (*What a chill, within! *)
(*Eventful! *) I feel a sudden chill within! What the hell kind of a way is this to talk? I didn’t expect she would respond “SPLENDID! UNFORGETTABLE!” and smile openly at me, but this nonchalance! This coldness! I fight against the constraint I feel is gripping my stomach. Maybe… really my fear… was correct? Or… worse… (*What an awful freeze, within! *) I have really blundered! (*I am deceiving myself! *) Nah! It’s impossible! That… that caress on the nape of my neck! That kiss on my cheek! Her hand that resettles my cowlick! The shower! And the kiss in the corridor! DURING THE TACTICAL ALERT! And then… (*Then it’s unthinkable she gave herself to a man for the first time in her life for… for a mere whim! For nothing but a passing desire!! *) Not certainly a Vulcan female, rational, logical… (*Rational, logical! Yeah! Like she was last night! *) Enough! Stop! Halt! Thinking like this is no good, it doesn’t come to anything! And then… I see in my mind the way she uttered those words after I said that stupid “Some night,” while I was approaching her. (*Turning her head slightly toward the table, still without looking at me and crossing her legs…*) Coldly and placidly. With nonchalance. Too much coldly. Too much placidly. With too much nonchalance. Almost like she was trying to… (*To struggle with the embarrassment, with…*) … the fear. Again. (*Again. *) This is not my fantasy. (*I know how to read her. *) Calm down. CALM DOWN! Don’t push. Don’t force. Go along with her play. I sit at her table. (*Go along with her play! *) “I don't know who did more damage to the engine, the alien or Malcolm.”
He sits at my table. We are next to each other. His smell is overpowering, now, and… and there’s another smell… Something… of spirits. (*He has been drinking! Now! At this time of day! *) He never would do this! NEVER! Unless… (*Unless he was agitated! *) He… understood! He understood I was… I am… AFRAID! He felt my fear, as if it was… his own fear! And he prepared himself, someway. Calm down. CALM DOWN! Don’t push. Don’t force. Go on with this play. Let him seek the way. (*And, at the right time…*) I said “CALM DOWN”! (*Kill him… and yourself! *) He speaks, finally, going along with my play. “I don't know who did more damage to the engine, the alien or Malcolm.” I cannot brush off his talk, now. It would be illogical and… revealing. I have to say something, and... and I have to look at him. (*Does he… is he able to figure out my intimate tumult through my eyes? Or by my voice? *) I speak. I’m sure my eyes and my voice are normal. And cold. (*COLD! COLD! COLD! *) Like the frost that wraps my soul! “How long before we can get underway?”
Her eyes are quiet, absolutely professional. Like her tone. (*Maybe a little bit too much. I… I believe! *) And she doesn’t let go. (*I don’t believe it. I don’t! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! *) I answer almost without knowing what I’m saying. “Another day at least.” Then… I’m no longer capable of resisting. I must force the pace. I must know! “I guess we should talk about what happened last night.” I’m perfectly aware of the expectant and… fearful… inflection of my voice.
Don’t cede! (*Don’t cede! Don’t cede! Don’t cede! *) I look at him, shortly, and then I go on with my comedy. My tragedy! “I've been briefed on the situation.” (*Is it thus that one can die?! *)
“Well…” Am I mistaken? Did I… Did I imagine everything? Was everything only a figment… of my desire? A splendid… damned… daydream? (*Like hell it is! *) My body hurts, my head aches, I wasn’t able to sleep, I feel damned tired! (*And that’s not because of the alien! *) It wasn’t him who gnawed my shoulder… until I bled! In passion's depth. (*It wasn’t the alien who marked me thus…*) In love's depth. This pain… I feel… in my flesh… this sweet pain… (*…is real! *) So… (*WHY? *) Why is she playing this way? Fear, yes. Shame, maybe. Sure. I can understand that, I have anticipated that. I can feel that. I know very well… she is not a common Vulcan! But, if she wants to deny… I feel myself dying inside at this horrible thought. …if she wants to deny herself to me, why… (*Why doesn’t she do it… outright? *) Why is she pretending to not understand? Why is she acting so… unvulcan-like? Fear, fear, fear… (*Fear, fear, fear! *) Fear… A flash, in my mind! (*Fear… of what? *) What… My heart trembles. (*What are you hiding from me, my sweet, petite Vulcan? *) I must know, I can no longer procrastinate. I look at her, the same foolish smile still on my face. I speak. “I was referring to what happened between us, in your quarters.” (*Trust me… my love! *) “I guess I'll go first.” No! (*No! *) She! She has to go first! She has to overtake her fear! I feel my own fear mount. “Actually, why don't you go first?” (*I beg you, I beg you… trust me… my love! *)
It’s time. (*Don’t quiver! Don’t hesitate! Be sure! Act as…*) What a longing… what a longing to cry! (*… Act as… Vulcans do! *) I reciprocate his look, coldly. Stolidly! (*Flatter him, before…*) I don’t want his comprehension! I cannot run the risk to have him around… without his love! (*… before… destroying everything! *) My words are clear. Immediate. And, all the same, ambiguous. “I suppose I should thank you.”
But what sort of…? (*”Thank?”… “I suppose?” *) Is that what Vulcan females say to their lovers after… after…? What’s wrong? (*What’s wrong? *) I can understand shame. I can understand reticence. I CAN UNDERSTAND FEAR! But… (*This? *) What is there behind that? What… (*What is she leading up to? *) Why… (*Why this… look? *) What do I have to say? What does she expect from me? (*What does she believe a Human male could… should tell her? *) Stupidly, uncertainly, still smiling foolishly, I swallow the bait. “No…” (*What do you want me to say? *) “… need to thank me.”
NOW! I look at his face, I observe attentively his confused expression, the need he plainly shows to understand, to comprehend, ready to take everything, even to pass himself off as the nitwit he surely is not, just to… just to… A knife in my heart, sharp and deadly. (*Just to love me! Just to have… my love! *) What am I about to do? And if am I mistaken? If I’m about to sacrifice everything for… for nothing? No! (*NO! *) NO! I don’t want his compassion! I don’t want his scorn! And I don’t want… (*I don’t want him to give himself to a woman… unworthy of him! *) To a woman who never will be capable of loving him the way he needs… and deserves! Hate me! (*Hate me! Shower me with the most mortifying insults! But…*) But don’t compel me to reveal to you my weakness, my… inadequacy! I prefer your hatred, rather than your unhappiness. (*And I…I would be unable to make you happy, my Ashayam! *) So… I straighten, mentally. (*NOW! *) Now is the moment to do what I decided. Now! After his sanguine words. I almost don’t give him the time to finish his sentence. I talk precipitously, with glacial and sure tone, staring at him with inexpressive eyes. “For facilitating my exploration of human sexuality.”
(*WHAT?!? *) WHAT? WHAT??!! That’s not true! I have not heard well! I imagined it! Never T’Pol – MY T’POL! – the woman I have just learned to know last night, never the T’Pol who loved me so passionately… would talk in this way! (*For… for facilitating… my exploration of… of human sexuality?!? *) NO! Impossible! Absurd! And still… she is here, in front of me, looking at me with quiet eyes, waiting… waiting for my answer to… to her words! I feel my brain freeze up. I am unable to think, to plan anything. I can talk idiotically, without reasoning, gawking at her, my hands moving as if searching for something. “I'm not sure I follow.” (*NO! I’M NOT!!! *)
Again! Harder! Sharper! Worse! With hellish coldness, under science's mantle! A sort of sardonic laugh resounds in my mind! (*Science's mantle! *) Yes! Sure! (*Stop! Don’t think of what you’re doing! Go on! *) GO ON! (*Turn the knife in the wound! ) Make him angry! (*Make him disgusted with you! *) And I go on, deliberately shearing my heart! (*And his soul! *) “It's one of the many aspects of your species which I've been meaning to explore since I left the High Command.” And in saying that, a bitter thought runs through my mind. (*Undoubtedly the High Command would be satisfied with me! *)
It is not true! No! No! No! (*Not true! Not true! Not true! *) A nightmare! Sure! I fell asleep, and now I’m having a bad dream. No doubt! (*No doubt! *) And yet… And yet she is here, real, true, with that look in her eyes. Distant. Cold. Like the damned Vulcan female who… (*…she was before. Stubborn, arrogant, a real pain in the ass…*) And who seems… (*Seems… YES!… Only… seems! *) … to be there yet again! And, insuppressible, I feel the rage is mounting inside me. Against any of my intentions. Against my own will. (*Why do you do this to me? Why? *) WHY!?! I look at her lovely visage; at her eyes, which can give a man… death… and life. My voice sounds uncertain, between hope and fear, with a perceptible hint of anger. “Sounds like you're saying last night was some kind of experiment.”
Here it is! His rage. One last effort… (*One last effort… to die! *) One last effort… and he… (*…he will send me…*) I sigh inside me. (*… to hell! *) And I will lose him… forever! (*FOREVER! *) I speak again. (*Again! Keep on! Keep on wallowing in the mud! *) “I wouldn't use that term.”
I can’t manage to stop myself. I don’t feel anything else but this soreness which wounds and ravages. (*Which nurtures my wrath! *) I speak, once more. Bitterly and contentiously. “But that's the general idea.”
Here we are. (*One last blow, and the match is clinched. I know very well how to push his buttons. *) Oh yes! I know it very well! More than… (*How… how much nostalgia will I have for our tiffs? *) … more than anyone else. (*Come on! Come on, big example of Vulcaness that you are, T’Pol! *) Kill him! Make him sick! Give him… Give him… (*The kiss of death!!! *) KISS! How… how will I do without his kisses? HOW WILL I LIVE, WITHOUT THEM?!? (*ENOUGH! CEASE! THINK ONLY…*) Think only to complete your duplicity’s masterpiece! I look at him. Blankly. With a hint of derision. I shoot my sentence. “Are you getting emotional? “
Now I will kill her! I’ll overturn the table on her! I’ll shoot her ass! I’ll grasp her delicious neck between my hands and strangle her! Now I… (*No! There’s something that doesn’t add up! *) She is pressing all the right buttons to make me angry! (*To make me unable to think clearly! *) My shoulder hurts, T’Pol. You didn’t do it for sexual exploration! Why…why are you behaving so? (*Why do you want me to get furious? *) There would have been a whole mess of ways to reject me. You know I would have been able to understand. (*You know I would have understood and comprehended your shame and your fear!*) Why T’Pol? Why? (*Why this unintelligible need to… *) TO DISGUST ME? The truth enlightens my mind! (*She wants me to go away from her as an enemy, so that… so that… *) So that… she won't have to tell me anything she doesn't want me to know! It’s so, I don’t mistake it! (*What are you hiding from me, my sweet, sweet petite Vulcan? *) WHAT? What do you conceal that is so terrible you think I couldn’t comprehend? (*And forgive? *) To you… to you who are my unique love? (*But why did I have to get enamoured of someone as stubborn as her?! *) How can I smash this last barrier? How must I act, without arousing her suspicions, without making her shut up like a clam? How… I sneer mockingly to myself! (*Be angry, man! Be angry like she wants! *) But not too much! Not the way she expects! (*Be yourself, but keep the door ajar. *) I control my voice, in my speaking. “No, I'm not getting emotional.” I go on, gazing at her with purpose. “I just don't like being compared to a lab rat.” (*To you the next move, my… sweet love! *)
Why doesn’t he explode? I have pressed all the right buttons to make him want to attack me! Why doesn’t he hurl his fury upon me? Would he… (*Could he have been able to figure this out? Does he suspect me?! *) I look at him… anxiously, even if my behaviour and my eyes don’t betray anything. His posture is quiet, as his voice, while he replies to me. Angrily. But not too angrily! In a controlled tone. “No, I'm not getting emotional.” I feel uneasy. He didn’t take the bait. Then he goes on, gazing at me intentionally. “I just don't like being compared to a lab rat.” (*And now what can I say to reject him, according the way I have chosen, and… *) And that doesn’t sound stupidly offensive?
It’s okay! I have hit the nail on the head! Her look speaks volumes. It’s the look she displays when she is cornered. I have seen it many times during our arguments, and I have always withdrawn, in these cases. Not this time. (*Not this time, My lady and my Owner… *) The door is open. (*Don’t let it close! *) She talks, eventually. “I'm sorry if I offended you.” I laugh to myself. (*Close the door behind you, woman! There are only the two of us in the room!*)
He has left the door open. I can… I can enter. Without having the need to say anything to him, anything but “I’m here”! But… how will I be able to stay alongside him, after… after what I said, this morning, to him? And how will I be able to tell him… to tell him… (*But maybe… maybe it will be not necessary! *) Maybe he will want to be next to me without requiring anything! YES! He understood! (*He understood! *) But will I be capable of having his nearness without… without his love? Certainly I won’t be able to claim anything after… my foolish talk, and… (*Oh stupid woman that I am!! *) What have I done? But why… why did I think what I thought, this night, before I came to the mess hall? (*WHY? *) But the crack is open. I can thread myself through it. And he… (*He will help me! My T’hai’la will be capable of helping me, of sustaining me! Without claiming anything… but me! *) I know it! I know it perfectly after I have seen… and heard him, now! How could I have ever doubted? (*How could I have ever doubted? *) A little effort! Nothing else! Only that, he wants! (*Enter the door! Enter the door, silly woman! *) My words are calm, like my look. But he will understand. (*He will understand! *) “I'm sorry if I offended you.”
OK! My turn! (*My turn, my stubborn lady! Like you said to me this night! *) “Forget it.” My voice sounds resentful. (*You have to pay something, my mistress! *) I keep on, with a miffed tone. “I'd appreciate it if we could keep this between us.” I cannot restrain myself. (*The stab, now! *) “In fact, we probably should forget it ever happened.” (*To you again, Milady! *)
“Forget it.” (*Yes, Yes, Ashayam! *) But his tone… I look at him. Fearfully, even if my eyes are blank. “I'd appreciate it if we could keep this between us.” (*Yes, Ashayam, yes! *) But his tone… (*HIS TONE!! *) “In fact, we probably should forget it ever happened.” The world crumbles upon me! So, it’s done! And I have failed! I will have his closeness and won’t have his love! I have what I deserve. I carefully hide my humiliating defeat, my regret. I reply with the only logical thing I can say. “Agreed.” Then I dip my face in my cup, so that he cannot see my look. (*And now I will die! Day after day. And night after night! *)
“Agreed.” So, you said it, sweet Vulcan lady of my heart! I observe her look. I observe the way she rapidly turns her face, hiding her eyes in her cup. (*Enough, now! Enough, man! *) I had my little vengeance, but now… (*Enough! *) I look sidelong at her. I see the slightly gray tinge of her skin. It seems to me I can see her thoughts, her chagrin, hovering – tangible – on air. My heart melts! (*But really can you believe I might forsake you, my love?! *) My eyes shine puckishly and slyly while I speak. “Doesn't mean we can't keep doing the neuro-pressure, though.”
“Doesn't mean we can't keep doing the neuro-pressure though.” I hear that clearly and perfectly. And I can’t do anything else but gulp and comply! In fact what sort of logic could there be in agreeing with the necessity of forgetting what happened between us, and at the same time denying the possibility of continuing our neuro-pressure sessions? Like I was… fearing they might push a… a logical Vulcan as I am to… to do… (*Damn… filibuster of a Human! Damn…*) But as I heard clearly and perfectly his words, I… understand clearly and perfectly what they mean! How have I heard him put it? Opportunity makes the thief! (*Damn… filibuster of a Human! Damn…*) But… But what am I complaining about? I have all I desire! He gave me another… (*Opportunity makes the thief! *) … another opportunity! Without asking anything of me! Without being confrontational with me! Without trying to force me! (*He wants me! Totally! He wants my nearness and my…*) … MY LOVE! And he won’t deny his love for me! I raise my eyes from the cup, clenching it tightly between my hands, without lifting my face from it, looking ahead. And he… I widen my eyes, in the wondrous awareness that suddenly pervades my soul. … He never will force me to do something I don’t want to do, to say something I don’t want to say! (*He always will sustain me, and will comprehend me, without wanting anything in return…*) Except my love! And he will accept me as the Vulcan… (*As the woman…*) … I am! (*ALWAYS LOVING ME! *) I decide I had better not reply!
I look at her, grinning. (*So, my balking sweetheart, have you understood…*) I can’t help laughing wickedly to myself. Have you understood that… it isn't always the woman who beats the devil, even when this woman is a Vulcan female? I observe her wonderful eyes, while they widen, without looking at me, her face not withdrawing from her cup. Yes. You have understood. (*You have understood that never I will ask you what you don’t want to say or to do…*) …That I will await your confession, if you will want to do it and if you have something to confess. (*…That I will be all ears for you, if you want. *) And that I want you because you… are you! I know our love will be a continuous battle, a fiery war. I know you will make me suffer. But… I stare steadily at this marvellous woman which God has given me. But, in any case, whatever could happen, I will be near you. (*ALWAYS LOVING YOU! *) Even when you say nothing! |
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