|
“Reconciliation” Part I Rating: NC-17 Author’s Note: Special thanks go out to my betas, Distracted, stub, and enterprikayak, who helped immensely. PART I ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ “You didn’t even come to her memorial service!” Commander Charles Tucker the Third’s face twisted in anger as he glared back at his father, who looked contemptuously at him from his desktop monitor. “What difference does that make!?” he shouted back at his father. “I probably wouldn’t have been welcome there if I had anyway! It’s not like you ever approved of me joining Starfleet!” “If it wasn’t for Starfleet going out there and stirring up trouble all the time, Elizabeth would still be alive!” Charles Tucker, Jr. shot back at the son that bore his name. “If it wasn’t for Starfleet, Earth would be a cloud of dust right now!” The older man eyed his son for a moment, as if sizing him up. “Are you looking for some kind of hero’s welcome?” he asked. “I’m sure you’ll get plenty of that from everyone else, but don’t expect it from me.” Trip slouched in his chair. “That’s not what I want…” he answered. His father raised his eyebrows slightly. “Then what?” the grey-haired man pressed. “A pat on the back from dear old Daddy?” Trip simply glared back at his father in response, too insulted to even dignify his patronizing rhetoric with an answer. It was an all too familiar exchange between the two, which went as far back as Trip’s teenage years. Even then, Trip had been the black sheep of the family. Elizabeth, on the other hand, had been the apple of Daddy’s eye. It still amazed Trip that he and his sister had had such a close relationship despite their father’s attempt to alienate him from the family. In any case, Charles knew that he wasn’t going to get an answer from his son, and he’d never intended to be answered. When Trip didn’t answer, just as he’d expected, he straightened himself for a parting shot. “Well, don’t expect it. As far as I’m concerned, Thomas is the only child I have left.” Trip’s father broke the connection, leaving the younger man to simply stare, mouth agape, at the empty monitor. It took a moment for the shock to wear off, but when it did, Trip was close to tears. Backing his chair away from his desk, he looked longingly out of the window. It was quite a view, with Earth looking as beautiful as ever. It was both relieving and painful to look at, because it reminded him of the fact that while he was home, at least in that he was safely in orbit around the planet of his birth, he could never truly be home. Trip knew his father was right. If he went planetside right now, people would probably be standing in line to shake his hand as soon as he stepped out of the shuttlepod. The idea didn’t sit particularly well with him. Trip sighed heavily and stood up. Enterprise was his only real home now, and she was in shambles, at least until Starfleet made its mind up about what to do with her. He looked around his room, which was actually clean, thanks to his constant need to do something, anything to keep his mind occupied. Normally it would have been a given that his room would be neat and clean, but over the past year it had been neglected in favor of other parts of the ship that had needed more immediate attention. He’d rarely spent time in his quarters anyway, outside of when exhaustion drove him to return. In any case, with Enterprise laid up, it’s not like he really had anything else to do. It had also given him an excuse to put off the unpleasant call to his father that he’d just made. He could only imagine what T’Pol was going through, stuck here on Enterprise with nowhere else to be. Trip’s eyes went wide, and he stiffened. T’Pol… He quickly checked the time. Earlier that day, he’d agreed to meet up with her in her quarters at 1900 hours, which was only minutes away now. Dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, he quickly slipped his shoes on over his socks and rushed out of his quarters. The corridor was dark as he made his way down it, not quite running, but as fast as he could go in a dignified manner. It wasn’t that he expected to meet anyone, as the vast majority of the crew had gone down to the planet over the past few days. It was just that actually running full speed to T’Pol’s quarters would be, well, silly. Arriving at her door, Trip forced himself to take a moment to compose himself. Won’t do any good to have T’Pol gettin’ the wrong impression… He’d been nervous about that for a while now. As much as he liked the idea of somehow getting closer to her, the way Lorian, his son lost to time, had described, he knew she’d been skittish about it ever since they… Made love? he asked himself. Had wild, passionate sex? While he could’ve sworn that they had something, he didn’t want to press it. He’d been happy that she’d finally warmed to him in the waning hours of the whole Xindi fiasco, and he’d promised to be there for her when it was all over. T’Pol needed a friend now, and that was just what he’d be for her. Calmed to his satisfaction, he carefully pressed the door chime and waited. He didn’t have to wait long. “Enter,” came T’Pol’s serene voice over the door comm. Trip pressed the button that opened her door, and stepped inside. What he saw took his breath away. There was T’Pol, sitting cross-legged on her meditation pillows, wearing her blue Triaxian silk pajamas. She looked up at him expectantly, her face reflecting the warm light of her candles in the dimmed room. She quirked an eyebrow. “You’re late.” Trip took another step inside and let the door close behind him. The warm, inviting air caressed his skin as he looked at her sheepishly. “Sorry. I lost track of the time,” he confessed. “But I’ve been lookin’ forward to it all day. Honest.” T’Pol almost seemed to smile as she told him, “You’re forgiven. This time.” Trip smiled warmly at her, instantly recognizing her form of humor. He joined her on the meditation pillows, kneeling down just in front of the large candle between them. He looked across the flame at her, admiring the way her face seemed to glow. Her dark eyes looked right back at him, studying his face. They were both silent for a moment. He was unsure of what to say, but happy to be in her presence again. Trip was the first to break the silence. “So…,” he started awkwardly, “how was your day?” “I completed one of my personal projects today, so it was satisfactory,” T’Pol answered. “Yours?” Trip broke eye contact with her as he answered. “It was alright. Got a few things done myself, including givin’ my room a good cleanin’.” “That is a relief to know. I’ve been concerned about you living in such unsanitary conditions.” Trip looked back up at the Vulcan woman, surprised. Is she teasin’ me!? T’Pol’s face was nearly impassive, but he could see a hint of amusement in her features. It was good to see her in such good spirits after having gone through such a rough time. Guess our talk did some good after all, Trip decided. This wasn’t the first time that he’d joined her in her quarters since they’d gotten back to Earth, but it was the first time in a long time that they’d enjoyed such an intimate setting. It was a clear indication that she was comfortable with him again, and it wasn’t lost on him. Nor was her feistiness tonight. It had been a while since she’d given him a good-natured teasing, and he was going to eat it right up. Two can play at this game. “Maybe you should come by tomorrow,” he goaded. “See if it meets with your approval.” “Perhaps we should move our sessions there,” she replied, meeting his challenge and ratcheting it up a notch. Trip thought about it for a moment. In some ways it was tempting to keep at it, just to see if she’d actually follow up. It was time to stop teasing. “Nah,” Trip answered easily. “I like doing this in your quarters better. Seems more … cozy.” Trip smiled again as T’Pol raised a perfect eyebrow at him. “Indeed,” She said slowly, then considered him for a moment. “Shall we begin?” * * * T’Pol watched Trip’s brow wrinkle with confusion, and hoped that her abrupt decision would not be negatively received by him. “With what exactly?” he asked. “Neuro-pressure,” she replied, a little nervousness creeping into her voice. T’Pol let a little of her concern show through as she eyed Trip anxiously. “Are you … comfortable doing that again?” she asked. “I am if you are,” he told her, sounding as if he were hoping to put her at ease again. “It’s just… Well we haven’t… You didn’t want to do that anymore.” His eyes met hers. Was that sadness she saw in them? “Truth is,” he continued, “I’ve actually missed it.” The room was silent as they gazed at each other. “As have I,” she admitted. Confusion covered Trip’s face. “Why did you want to stop then?” “I…” she started. T’Pol suddenly found herself unable to look at Trip, the emotion welling up inside of her – fear, confusion, anxiety, shame. “I don’t know … how to explain…” “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Trip hastily told her. “It’s not that, it’s just… difficult…” T’Pol looked back at Trip’s warm face. “Much happened during our time in the Expanse. It changed me in ways … that I did not anticipate.” Trip gave her a comforting smile. “It was rough on everyone. I know I’ve changed too. For better or worse, I don’t really know yet. But you were there for me then, and I’m here for you now.” T’Pol almost let a smile grace her lips. “I am grateful.” “It’s the least I could do.” Carefully, T’Pol picked up the burning candle that she had been using to meditate from the floor and repositioned it on the shelf where it normally resided. That done, she slowly made her way around Trip. He watched her from his kneeling position, seeming to be looking forward to what would hopefully be a relaxing neuro-pressure session, as well as some much needed conversation between the two of them. T’Pol did her best to keep her expression neutral, but she knew some of her excitement was apparent to him. Both of them needed this. T’Pol kneeled behind Trip. “Please remove your shirt.” He did so without comment, balling the cotton t-shirt up in his hands and letting it rest in his lap. He inhaled deeply as he felt T’Pol’s fingers on his back. She pressed against his pressure points, pausing to savor the feeling of his skin against her fingertips. It didn’t take long for the muscles in Trip’s back to relax. “That feels great,” he sighed. T’Pol continued to move her fingers over his back, moving from one nerve cluster to the next. Neither of them said anything, unwilling to spoil the moment. As T’Pol’s hands found their way to Trip’s chest, he broke the silence. “You know…,” he murmured. “When we first started this a year ago, I wasn’t quite sure what to think.” “I seem to remember you accusing me of making sexual advances toward you,” she said quietly into his ear. Trip grinned at that. “Well, let’s just say that I wasn’t quite expecting you to get that … personal with me.” T’Pol got a malicious glint in her eye at his quip. She pressed a tender spot on his lower back, his grin instantly disappearing as his spine arched involuntarily. He exhaled with his surprise. “Hey now!” He turned to face her. “You have to admit that it wasn’t exactly a clinical setting.” T’Pol tilted her head to the side and quirked her eyebrows nonchalantly. “Perhaps I modified the setting to make it more comfortable.” “Well it worked.” Trip shook his head. “I can’t believe I didn’t want to do it at first.” “What changed?” “You did.” T’Pol stopped. Trip repositioned himself to face her. “You know,” he continued. “I think one of the things I enjoyed the most was being able to talk to you about the day, and the things I was planning to do next. Helped me keep my mind off…” He stopped and hung his head slightly. “Off what had happened to my sister, and off of my anger for the Xindi.” T’Pol took in a shaky breath. She wasn’t sure how Trip would handle what she wanted to tell him. Would he be upset? Would he leave and never want to be around her again? There was only one way to find out. She steeled herself, exhaled, and then took in another deep breath. “I haven’t been entirely honest with you, Commander.” “Trip,” he teased. “Call me Trip, or I’ll call you Sub-Commander.” T’Pol thought, not for the first time, that she would never understand this man. “I no longer hold that rank,” she protested. “Not officially maybe, but I’m pretty sure everyone still thinks of you as an officer. After all you are still acting as the ship’s first officer.” T’Pol felt her face tighten the way it always did when she knew Trip had a point but didn’t want to admit it. “So why not call me Trip? Everyone else does.” “It is a ‘nickname’. It would be improper for me to call you by a name that is not yours.” “You called me by it before…” he reminded her with a wry smile. “That was under different circumstances.” “What’s so different now?” he pleaded with her. “When we’re in private like this, I don’t want to be called by my rank. That’s for when I’m on the job, not when I’m here with you.” “As you wish,” she acquiesced with a sigh. I’ll only call you “Commander Tucker” when you irritate me. Trip gave her another smile, encouraged by her concession to him. “So what were you less than honest about?” “Aren’t you upset, Trip?” “Why? You haven’t even said anything yet.” His expression was pleasant and non-committal, but T’Pol somehow got the distinct impression of intense curiosity from him. It was a disconcerting sensation. She collected herself for a moment before answering. “As you may have realized, Vulcan neuro-pressure is considered an intimate act. It is normally only performed between those who are very close to each other.” “But Doctor Phlox…” “Doctor Phlox knew of the medicinal value of neuro-pressure, and he knew of your insomnia,” she interrupted. “I was initially upset, but I was also concerned for your health.” “So you meant it when you said you didn’t really want to do it either.” “Yes,” T’Pol replied. “But as I said, I grew to enjoy the neuro-pressure sessions, just as you did.” “What changed?” T’Pol hesitated a moment, unsure how to phrase her response. “I enjoyed the conversations as well.” The truth was, she didn’t really know herself what had changed, or when the change had occurred. While she initially wanted to blame her foolish experimentation with trellium, she had already begun to enjoy the neuro-pressure sessions soon after she had initiated them at Phlox’s behest. It was true that even during their first session she had taken the opportunity to tease him back for all the grief he’d given her over their first two years serving together, as well as to test him, but even that came with a certain admission of attachment, even if it wasn’t exactly a romantic one. She avoided his eyes as she reached for the neuro-pressure points beneath his jaw. * * * Trip rolled his tongue along the inside of his cheek, deep in thought, remembering the first half of their mission into the Expanse, leading up to their night together. He looked at T’Pol, the memories of that what happened vivid in his mind. “What changed later on?” he finally asked. “You called it an ‘exploration’, but it seemed like more than that at the time, and even afterwards.” He cringed internally at the memories of the morning that had followed, along with every other argument they’d had about it afterwards. “You're obviously unable to have a physical relationship without developing an emotional attachment.” T’Pol looked at him with liquid eyes. He was still hurt by her choice of words back then, which he was beginning to suspect she’d only conjured up because of her own fear. “I apologize … if I hurt you.” she managed to say. “I am still uncertain of all the circumstances that precipitated our … sexual encounter that evening.” Her apology touched him, even if it was a long time coming. “Don’t worry about it,” he reassured her. “I knew there was somethin’ that you were strugglin’ with. It was just hard to deal with at the time, that’s all.” It did still hurt him. Deep within him, there was a part of him that still screamed at her, demanding to know why she’d toyed with him that way. His more sensible part knew better. “I still wished you’d tell me what’s been troubling you, T’Pol. I know it had to be pretty bad, probably still is, but I’m here to help you. You can trust me.” “I know.” “Then I’m all ears,” he reminded her, giving her that special smile that he reserved just for her. She raised her eyebrow, the same way she had when he’d used that expression with her before, as if she understood the joke. He was never certain with her, though. She does have delectable ears, he thought distractedly. “You know that I have become more emotional,” she began. He blinked and drew his attention back to her face. She was opening up to him, he realized suddenly. He paused, wondering what to say. He decided that simpler was better. “Yeah,” he said encouragingly. “But you do not know how this came to be.” T’Pol paused as if to gauge his reaction, so he did his best to look attentive and encouraging. “I did something of which I am not proud,” she continued. Trip felt sudden concern at her obvious discomfort. He placed a soothing hand on hers. She shivered slightly at the physical contact. He smiled reassuringly. “We’ve all done things like that.” T’Pol shook her head and looked down at the floor. “I experimented with taking small amounts of Trellium-D to allow my emotions to break through my mental barriers.” Trip stared at her, dumbfounded. “But why? Those Vulcans on the Seleya…” “I know,” she blurted out. The shame in her voice was obvious. Trip’s concern didn’t falter, but his confusion persisted. He wanted T’Pol to look him in the eye and to explain herself to him, but he could tell that she was still afraid. It startled him to see a woman he knew and admired for being so strong and independent in such a weakened state. “I remember when you came back from the Seleya…” he reminisced. “You were so out of it… I was afraid we’d never get you back again. Why would you intentionally expose yourself to that again?” T’Pol refused to look at Trip as she answered. “As the effect wore off, I found that I was able to focus and control the emotions I had experienced under the influence of the trellium. I wanted more.” Trip took in a deep breath and held it a moment before letting it back out. Again he let his tongue wander along the inside of his cheek as he thought. T’Pol’s overtly emotional behavior made a lot more sense now, but how far back did it go? “I think I understand a lot better now why you’ve been actin’ the way you have.” He took another breath. “I just wished that I’d known for sure what was going on, so maybe I could’ve helped you.” “You provoked some of the most powerful emotions of all,” she confessed. “I was alarmed by everything that was happening. It all happened so fast. I started to lose control of these emotions.” “Is that what made you stop taking the trellium?” T’Pol nodded. “I sought help from Doctor Phlox soon after the attack at Azati Prime.” Trip sat back slightly and searched his memory. T’Pol had definitely been acting strangely during that time, but it went on a long time after that. She still didn’t quite seem herself. “Wasn’t he able to help you?” “The damage to my neural pathways is permanent. I will never fully recover.” Oh, God. Trip felt his mouth open a little bit. “Is that why you started avoiding me, after we… you know?” “I panicked. I tried everything to get away from the emotions. I thought that if I could isolate myself, that eventually through meditation… I could regain control.” Trip looked away from T’Pol. He chose a spot on the floor and focused on it. He was definitely hurt by this revelation, especially as he remembered how T’Pol had pushed him away. He hadn’t expected it to go as far as it did, obviously, but once it had, well, it meant something, dammit. He felt like he’d been toyed with, like he’d been the lab rat in some kind of twisted experiment, even as he desperately tried to regain the affection he thought he’d once had. Now he knew for sure that it’d been intentional on her part, and he couldn’t really be angry at her anymore, because now he knew why. Understanding didn’t make the pain go away, but he hated himself for being angry. Trip’s chest heaved with another heavy sigh as he looked back up at T’Pol. The anger had diminished, partly because he felt selfish for getting angry to begin with, and partly because he knew he still cared about her a great deal. He realized that the pain he’d gone through couldn’t compare to what T’Pol had gone through, especially when confronted with the physical embodiment of what the emotions she’d been bombarded with could do – Lorian. And I wouldn’t shut up about him, Trip scolded himself, gritting his teeth. I was so damn tickled by the idea that I didn’t even think of what it might mean to her. If only I’d known… “You provoked some of the most powerful emotions of all.” Could this mean that there actually was something that went further than friendship between them? Trip really wasn’t sure what to think anymore. He had thought there was definitely feeling, passion, coming from her when she’d practically attacked him during their last neuro-pressure session. He also wanted to think that they’d actually made love, and that it hadn’t simply been lust that had driven them together for one night. Would she even know herself? Trip was a little afraid to know the answer. T’Pol’s nervousness, hell, fear of telling him all this, of even looking him in the eye right now, made a lot more sense to Trip now. He decided to do something about it. He lifted his hand from the warm skin of T’Pol’s hand. It was barely detectable, but he could hear the sharp intake of air as he did so. She’d stopped breathing. He slowly raised his hand higher, until his finger rested under her chin. Light as a feather, he lifted her chin, until she was looking at him again. A smile graced his lips as they made eye contact again. “Hey…” he spoke softly to her. “You don’t need to be afraid of me, T’Pol.” She started breathing again, but remained tense. “You’re not angry?” “Honestly … maybe a little, but I’m still your friend, and I’m not goin’ anywhere.” Trip felt some of the tension leave T’Pol. “To tell the truth, I admire you for bein’ brave enough to tell me what you just did,” he said softly. “Surak said that one must put aside one’s fear,” she told Trip, her voice still shaking. “That there can be nothing else until a person eliminates fear.” Trip nodded, and placed his hand on T’Pol’s shoulder. He didn’t know why, but he felt that keeping physical contact with her was important. As he touched her, he felt her relaxation as a palpable thing. His touch seemed to calm her. “That’s a pretty good philosophy to live by. It’d be great if it were true.” “It’s one of the most important tenants of Vulcan life,” T’Pol protested. “Fear is one of the most powerful emotions of all. Vulcans cannot function with these emotions, they overwhelm us.” “Humans can be overwhelmed by their emotions too at times, but most of us manage to find a balance.” T’Pol looked at him somewhat critically, as if she was trying to explain advanced mathematics to a child. “Vulcan emotions are much more powerful than human emotions…” she said flatly. “Boy, you Vulcans just do everythang better than us humans, don’t you?” Trip teased. T’Pol’s face tightened slightly in annoyance. Trip smiled at her and raised a brow. She exhaled, and then raised one right back. He sensed her amusement at his attempt to lighten the mood. “Look…” Trip started on a more serious note. “Be that as it may, you’re still stuck with them like the rest of us. It doesn’t mean that you should think of it like some kind of handicap. Embrace it.” T’Pol breathed in sharply. She met his eyes. “I’ve been told that before,” she admitted softly. “It’s difficult.” “Sure, it’s not going to be easy,” Trip confirmed. “While you might not be able to totally control your emotions, you’re going to have to learn that how you act on them is more important. Fear is powerful, it can freeze you up and keep you from thinkin’ straight, but from it, there can come other emotions that will help you to keep fear at bay. Emotions like bravery.” T’Pol raised an eyebrow at his use of the word. “But how can one be brave if one is afraid?” “Someone famous once said that there can be no courage without fear. You can’t really be brave if you aren’t scared.” T’Pol paused, seeming to reflect on his words for a moment. Trip could see her hesitation. “I believe I understand what you’re trying to tell me, but I don’t know how I can overcome this.” “It might be a difficult journey, but you don’t have to take it alone,” Trip said with a smile. The two of them stared at each other for a moment, lost in their own thoughts and each other’s eyes. “Thank you.” “You’re very welcome.” Trip finally took his hand from her shoulder. “Now turn around.” T’Pol looked at him with mild confusion. “It’s your turn.” Nodding, T’Pol complied. Trip hesitated a moment, millimeters from the silky surface of her pajama shirt. He wasn’t sure what to expect now, if this would actually do them any good. He focused on controlling his breathing, and decided that if nothing else, hopefully T’Pol would be able to relax more and get some good sleep out of it. I know I will. ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^ To Be Continued… |
Like it? Hate it? Just want to point out a typo? Join the discussion now.
Disclaimer: Star Trek in all its various forms and its characters are the property of CBS/Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended by the authors of this site, which is solely for the purpose of entertainment and is not for profit. This site is owned by CX and was opened to the public in February 2008.