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"Boy Meets Girl"
Rating: PG-13 On the third planet from an ordinary yellow sun, named Sol by astronomers too long dead to explain why they named it such a dreary and uninspiring name, lived an ordinary human. He lived on a peninsula in the southern portion of a continent known by its inhabitants as North America. This peninsula was also the vacation home of the ruler of the known universe, but we’ll get to that later. This man was an engineer, and late in the twenty-second year of his life (immediately after graduation from an institution of higher learning, despite what you may have heard) he was asked to join a group of intrepid, or possibly merely too-stupid-to-know-what-they-were-getting-into, aerospace engineers, warp field engineers, and pilots (Someone expendable had to fly the prototypes, after all) in the development of the first human ship capable of traveling at speeds that no human had any business traveling at… or at which no human had any business traveling… or whatever. While he was attempting to get this ambitious project underway, a second quite ordinary being… a Vulcan female this time… was beginning a subjectively interminable stay on the western coast of said continent. I say subjectively interminable because, although her stay would end up being only two years long, she was finding confinement within a singularly boring gated community composed entirely of singularly boring Vulcans to be a very trying experience. The ambassador she was assigned to assist was a trifle less boring than the others, but was not really her type, so while the human engineer was busy building his engines, the Vulcan was busy revving hers up by exploring what the humans had to offer. Then she wasn’t bored any longer. Once the ship was finally built and the humans had finally greased enough Vulcan palms and kissed enough Vulcan asses to convince the Vulcans not to blow it out of space as soon as it left their system, it set off. Its crew included the engineer and the now decidedly un-bored Vulcan… among others. Their adventures were quite usual and ordinary… an alien spore here… a time traveling green-spotted stretchy fellow there… until the moment that the engineer noticed that the Vulcan was actually female… and then, of course, it followed that the Vulcan noticed that the engineer was actually male. That’s when things got interesting. While all this was happening, an alien species, known as the Xindi for some obscure reason, although they might have more appropriately been called the “species that is actually six species… oops… make that five species”, decided to make war on the engineer’s home planet… not because of something the humans had done, mind you, but because of something that they might possibly do in the distant future provided all conditions remained the same and there was nothing else for them to do that day. They sent a probe to the third planet in the Sol system and fried a good portion of the previously mentioned peninsula on the southern aspect of North America. Unfortunately, the ruler of the known universe (I said I’d get back to her, didn’t I?), a Q who was at that time on vacation for a millennia or so in the swamps while in the form of a twenty-five foot long female alligator, was fried along with everything else. This appalling error was to come back and haunt the Xindi species… all five remaining parts of it… for the remainder of their existence. The inevitable emotional turmoil that this quick-fry-to-a-crackly-crunch of his homeland caused in the heart of our young human hero sent him straight into the arms of his now extremely un-bored Vulcan companion. Then came the obligatory writhing on the floor without clothing and unsanitary exchange of bodily fluids that invariably follows this scenario, at least in every good story that I’d like to read. And that’s how they got together. End |
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