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"If the Uniform Fits" by A. Rhea King
Rating: PG CHAPTER 1 Archer stopped when he heard his name called and turned. Malcolm jogged up to him and Trip, flashing them a smile. “Sir,” Reed said. “Lieutenant.” “May I have a word with you about the landing party leaving in a couple of hours?” “We discussed this, Malcolm,” Archer said, his voice developing a warning tone that meant Malcolm shouldn’t push the issue. “I know, sir, however, I was wondering if T’Pol might take my place, sir?” Archer glanced at Trip. Trip shrugged. “Fine by me.” “That’d be fine,” Archer told Malcolm. “Still three passengers?” Trip asked. “Three?” Archer looked at Trip and then Malcolm. Reed smiled. “The children turn one tomorrow. I asked them what they wanted for their birthdays and they both want to go to a planet to play in the grass. With Vardee away for the week, I asked T’Pol if she wouldn’t mind taking them since I cannot go and she agreed.” Archer smiled. “That would be fine.” “Thank you, Captain. Good day, sirs.” Malcolm turned and hurried off in the direction he’d come. “Ya know..it still amazes me,” Trip commented, “His kids look like they’re three months and they’re one, but they talk like two year olds and they’re still in diapers. This whole Jit age/growth thing is really confusing!” Archer laughed. The two turned and continuing toward their destination. # Archer stepped out of the shuttle pod, staring at the building that shadowed the landing pad. It sharply reminded him of the Leaning Tower of Pisa without the leaning. The entire city looked like it had come right out of 12th century Italy. Archer looked back when he heard Hoshi starting to talk with the group of aliens that had come to greet them. The aliens were short with brown and green scales covering their body and diamond shape heads atop long, thick necks. It was impossible to tell the difference between the sexes. Hoshi turned to Archer. “There’s a problem, sir,” Hoshi said. “What is it?” Archer asked. Hoshi looked past Archer. Archer followed her gaze to T’Pol and the twins. Archer looked at Hoshi. “The kids?” “In a way, Captain. Did you tell them we had twins and that their parents were on board?” Hoshi asked. “Yes. When we first made contact that was brought up.” “Well, only fathers of children are allowed to address the elders, sir. You can’t because you’re not a father. They said you’d already been told about this. They also said that the elders have requested only the twin’s father comes. Twins are extremely rare here and are regarded as a sign of good luck and fortune, and they’re anxious to meet with him.” “Are you joking?” Archer asked. Hoshi shrugged. “That’s what he said, sir. He said unless their father comes down to speak with the elders, no contact may be made with them. They said we’re welcome to stay and visit the city, but that’s all.” “Only fathers?” Archer asked. “It would be wise to respect their customs,” T’Pol cautioned, “if you wish further communication with this race, Captain Archer.” Archer looked at T’Pol. She had a hold of a toddler’s hand in each of hers. Kasbra was standing patiently beside T’Pol, pointing at various objects and babbling about them. Jon Nathan was trying to pull away to chase butterflies as they flew past. Archer looked at the aliens. T’Pol was right. Starfleet wouldn’t want him leaving just because he wasn’t a father and the father they requested to meet was confined to the ship. He sighed and pulled out his communicator. “Archer to Enterprise.” Archer reached up and rubbed the back of his neck while he waited for a reply. # Archer listened to Hoshi and the elder talk, his eyes watching the stylus he was turning in his hands. Malcolm sat beside him, watching the two with intense interest. Archer wished he could share the interest, but he wasn’t even allowed to tell Malcolm what to say or ask. He could only write it on a PADD and hope Malcolm could interpret his shorthand correctly. Hoshi turned to Malcolm. “He said that would be an acceptable arrangement.” Malcolm looked at Archer for his approval. Archer nodded. The elder spoke again and the three looked at him. He stood, nodding as he spoke. He reached out and patted Malcolm on the shoulder, then turned and disappeared through the door that he’d entered from. “What did he say?” Malcolm asked Hoshi. “He said he is envious of your children. Twins are rare a symbol of good luck, fortune and a long life. He wishes health and good fortune on you and your family,” Hoshi said. Malcolm smiled, looking back at Archer. “Let’s eat,” Archer said, standing up. “Sorry for all the fuss I’ve caused, sir,” Malcolm said. “Never met a race that only allowed father’s to speak. It’s just a little..different.” Malcolm nodded, standing up with Hoshi. The two looked up when an alien came running into the room, speaking excitedly and motioning toward the door. “What?” Archer asked Hoshi. Hoshi looked uncomfortable. “He said that Malcolm and his interpreter are invited to the elder’s feast tonight.” “Malcolm and his interpreter?” Archer asked. “That’s what he said, Captain.” The alien spoke again. “He said Malcolm is allowed to bring two guests to tend to his children at the feast.” “I can’t believe this!” Malcolm and Hoshi hid their amusement before Archer looked at them. “After our discussion perhaps it’s best if I simply returned to Enterprise,” Malcolm offered. “I’ll decline, sir.” He turned to the alien. “No, Malcolm. Now that you’re here we’re making some progress. Don’t refuse. That may be considered rude. Go ahead and go.” “Are you certain, sir?” “I’m certain.” “Would you like to be one that tended to..well..” Malcolm trailed off. “No. I am a Captain of a starship, I am not a babysitter.” Malcolm nodded once to Hoshi and she told the alien the reply. The alien bowed slightly and disappeared through the door. Hoshi and Malcolm both looked at Archer, who wasn’t masking his brooding as well as he’d liked to have. # Archer looked up when he heard voices coming toward the house the aliens--who he finally learned were called the Yiquar--had given his crew to stay in while they were on the planet. “Kids are home,” Trip said as he rearranged a pillow under his head. He had been reading a novel ever since the group had left for the feast, tuning out Archer’s rantings about the situation. Archer didn’t reply. “Happy, Dad?” Trip asked, grinning. Archer shot Trip a glare. The door opened and Malcolm, Hoshi, T’Pol, and Ensign Paris walked in. T’Pol was carrying Kasbra and Malcolm was carrying Jon, both children sleeping soundly in their arms. The two disappeared into Malcolm’s room where they had set up cribs for the twins. “You should have seen it, sir!” Ensign Paris, grinning as she walked in. “It reminded me of an eighteenth century ball!” Hoshi said, sitting on the edge of a chair. Archer smiled, looking at her. The aliens had sent dresses for the women to wear to the feast that resembled eighteenth century gowns. They did look spectacular in them. “I’m glad you had a good time,” Archer said, smiling at Hoshi. Malcolm came out of the bedroom and sat down on the arm of Hoshi’s chair. “They’ve invited us to see some caves tomorrow, sir,” Malcolm told Archer. “Caves?” Archer asked. “Yes, sir. One of the elders told us they’re part of a salt mine. According to a geologist there were some amazing underground formations unearthed when the area was still being mined. They also have several rooms that were carven from the salt walls. He said it was very beautiful and something they’re quite proud of.” “He said all that?” “Yes. Their language has been very easy to pick up, sir,” Malcolm said. “You speak Vulcan, Varlikon, English, French, German, Italian, Klingon and Bastion, Lieutenant,” T’Pol pointed out, “Learning this language should have presented no difficulty for either you or Ensign Sato.” Malcolm smiled. Archer sighed. “Are the twins going?” “We don’t have to,” Malcolm said, “I should probably return to the ship.” “No. Stay,” Archer said. “Are you certain, sir?” Malcolm said. “I’m just not a baby person, Malcolm. I can handle older kids..not babies.” “They’re toddlers, Cap’n, not babies,” Trip corrected him. “They’re no higher than my knee, they don’t talk well, and they wear diapers. They’re babies.” Everyone tried to hide his or her amusement to Archer’s remark. Even T’Pol raised an eyebrow at his comment. “What?” Archer asked the five. As if on queue the five bid him goodnight and disappeared into their rooms. Archer let out a frustrated sigh. Archer stood, muttering as he walked to his room, “Some races have the strangest customs!” # The cathedral was amazing. The statues and even the chandeliers hanging high above had been carved out of the live rock and salt deposits. Archer looked away from the chandelier to Malcolm. He had Jon Nathan on his shoulders, pointing to one of the statues. A few feet from him Hoshi was kneeling beside Kasbra and the two were talking about something that was on the floor. Archer smiled, looking away and for the thousandth time saying blessings he didn’t have babies to care for. He didn’t know how Malcolm managed when Vardee was away. “They have done an extraordinary job of preserving these caves,” T’Pol said, walking up to Archer. “They are amazing.” “The Yiquar have brought us lunch. They have set up tables and the meal on the surface,” T’Pol informed Archer. “Lunch is being served up top, people,” Archer said out loud. Archer turned, following T’Pol toward the exit. Archer heard a squeal and looked back. Malcolm had a child under each arm and was carrying them like sacks. The children were laughing and babbling, occasionally a clear word coming out. Malcolm pulled them both up, resting a child on each hip and talking quietly with them as if he understood what they were saying. Archer turned around; saying another blessing that he was not a father. # Archer walked toward the shuttle, seeing T’Pol coming out. “Lieutenant Reed and Ensign Sato will be with you momentarily,” T’Pol said, “The children are already on board.” Archer stopped short. “The children?” “Were you not told?” “Told what?” Archer asked. “The elders requested the twins to be brought to the meeting tonight. They wanted to meet them and introduce them to their children before the meeting.” “No. No one told me,” Archer almost growled. T’Pol raised an eyebrow. “I assumed you knew, Captain.” “I do now, don’t I?” Archer continued to the shuttle pod. He stepped in and Kasbra and Jon both looked up at him. Both were strapped into their seats with a harness Trip and the quartermaster had made to keep them sitting during shuttle pod trips. “Ka’fan!” Jon cried, smiling at him. “K’pan, Jon,” Archer corrected the child as he brushed past them to the pilot’s seat, “I mean Captain!” The children didn’t take notice of his tone and began babbling to him and each other. Archer began the launch procedure and the shuttle pod shuddered as the engine powered up. Archer stood up to walk to the hatch when the back of the shuttle pod dropped, sending him tumbling to the back and slamming against the bulkhead. Archer started to get up, looking out the hatch. There were only a few inches of grass that he could see at the top of the doorway and before his eyes it disappeared and the ground began rushing past the open hatch. Archer grabbed a hold of a chair base as he went sliding toward the front. Suddenly the shuttle pod leveled out and dropped straight down. Archer heard the twins screaming and felt like screaming himself. The nose of the shuttle pod hit something, sending it tail end down first. The tail hit something and the nose fell forward, bringing the shuttle pod to a painful jolting stop and coming to rest at a slight slope. Archer, thinking it was over, started to get up. He heard something falling on the roof of the shuttle pod and suddenly something heavy fell on the roof. The metal groaned, slowly bending under the weight of whatever had fallen on top of it. Archer fell to his knees, staring up at the groaning, slowly bending ceiling. The engine wound down and the power in the shuttle pod cut out. The only light was coming through the front window and it quickly disappeared as dirt and rocks covered it. The silence that followed would have been a relief, except it was filled by the screaming cries of two toddlers and Archer’s heart beating in his ears. # Malcolm smiled at the Yiquar as he accepted the gift the alien gave him. His smile vanished when he heard a noise behind him. Malcolm turned, watching the tail end of the shuttle pod sink into the ground. “TRIP! T’POL!” Malcolm yelled. The two turned, watching helplessly as a sinkhole rim quickly formed around the shuttle pod. The nose dropped suddenly and the shuttle pod vanished in a cloud of dust and flying dirt and rocks. The sinkhole rim quickly widened and Malcolm caught sight of the shuttle pod before the hole caved in on itself, burying the shuttle pod. When the ground finally stopped moving and the dust cloud began to settle, the only part of the shuttle pod that could be seen was the port plasma vent. “No. No!” Malcolm started walking toward the sinkhole’s edge. Someone grabbed Malcolm, pulling him back as the edge gave way where he’d been standing. “This can’t be happening!” Malcolm gasped, his breath getting shorter as he started to hyperventilate. “KASBRA! JON NATHAN!” Malcolm fought the hands holding him back. “Lieutenant, if you want to help your children, you need to take slow breaths,” T’Pol said, “And calm down.” Malcolm closed his eyes, trying to push the terror out of his mind. She was right. He had to keep his wits about him to get them out of there. He couldn’t become irrational. T’Pol spoke to the Yiquar behind them and he said something. “We will go to their shuttle pod and try to contact, Captain Archer,” T’Pol told Malcolm, “We need to make sure they are all right and then we must develop a rescue plan.” Malcolm nodded. He followed T’Pol around the sinkhole to the Yiquar shuttle. # Archer heard the companel beep, shaking him out of his shock. He stood and walked toward the beeping, grimacing as he passed the screaming children. He felt around on the console for the companel button and pushed it when he found it. “Archer here,” Archer said, unable to keep his voice from shaking. “Are you alright, Captain?” T’Pol asked. “Shaken, but I don’t feel like I’m hurt.” “And the children?” “I don’t know. Just a minute. I need to see if I can get habitat controls back on line.” Archer felt around the controls. He pressed a button and he felt a whoosh of cool air fill the shuttle pod. He felt around again and pushed another button and the lights came back on. Archer walked over to the children. They both held their arms out for him to pick them up. Archer left them in their harnesses and checked them for any apparent injuries. Archer returned to the console. “They appear fine,” Archer said, swallowing. His nerves were starting to calm now. “Hey, Cap’n?” Trip asked. “Yeah?” “Turn off habitat controls, sir.” “Why?” “Just do it, I’ll explain.” Archer reached over and turned off the habitat controls. “Now why?” “Well, the Yiquar just got a scan of your position. You’re packed in there pretty good. There’s no where for the shuttle pod to release the carbon dioxide the habitat controls would build up.” Archer looked out the window at the dirt covering the window. “And what about the carbon dioxide the three of us are going to produce, Trip?” Trip didn’t answer. “Trip?” “I’m workin’ on that, sir. You should be okay for a couple hours. I’ll get you a plan before then, sir.” “Okay,” Archer said. “Captain, you need to get the children to stop crying,” T’Pol informed him. “How do I do that?” “You can take them out of their chair restraints. You are on solid ground and will not fall any further. Then you should sing to them and hold them to calm them down.” “Sing?” “Kasbra is especially fond of ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’, Captain.” “I am not singing,” Archer said. “At least get them out of the chairs, sir,” Malcolm said, “As long as you let them be near you, they should stop crying after a while. Maybe an hour or so.” “An hour!? I have to listen to this for an hour?” Archer asked. “There is the alternative, sir,” Malcolm said. Archer looked back at the children. “The alternative?” “We need to leave, sir. We have to start figuring out how we’re going to get you three out of there.” “Archer out.” Archer turned the seat, looking at the screaming, crying children. “I am not singing ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb,’” Archer growled at them. Archer got up and took them out of their seat harnesses. The two children immediately clutched his legs. Archer sat down in a seat, unsure what he should do next. “I’m not singing,” Archer told the two. He pulled them both onto his lap and they immediately cuddled up to him, but continued to scream and cry. Archer grimaced, looking up at the ceiling. Following a forlorn sigh, he started singing the first line of ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’. Five minutes later the two were sniffling, but no longer screaming. Archer sat back in the chair, staring at the dirt that covered the front window. He found himself wishing he was fighting Suliban or some other race, or even stuck in a room full of Vulcans for hours on end, anything but this. # “I have a plan for the air,” Trip said, running into the Yiquar shuttle. Malcolm, T’Pol and the three Yiquar looked up at him. Trip pressed the companel button on the console. “Trip to Archer.” There was a long pause. “Come on, Cap’n, answer,” Trip said, more to himself. “I’m here. I’m here,” Archer said. He sounded like he’d just woken up. “You okay?” “I, uh, I h-hope you have a-a plan for this car-carbon dioxide cuz, uhm..it’s starting to g-get really hard to f-focus and stay awake.” “I have a plan. You at the front?” “Yeah.” “Bring up schematics.” # In the shuttle pod Archer obeyed. He closed his eyes tight and tried to keep focused on the screen. “Okay,” Archer said. “Okay, the tail end isn’t covered completely. Bring the engine online and vent plasma on port side for five seconds.” “Are you s-sure?” “Cap’n, I’m your chief engineer. Yes. I’m sure,” Trip told Archer, and then whispered to himself, “Or bring the rest of the sinkhole down on top of you.” # Archer pointed to the port aft vent and the shuttle pod shuddered. Archer looked down when two pairs of hands grabbed his legs. Kasbra and Jon were standing beside his chair, staring at the back of the shuttle. “It’s j-just the engines..kids,” Archer told them, “Igniting, Trip.” “Good. Turn it off,” Trip said. Archer turned the engine off. “Now re-route the venting of the habitat controls to the port aft vent only.” Archer touched the screen and the image changed, showing the habitat controls and vents. He pointed to the screen and re-routed all ventilation to the port aft vent. “D-Done.” “Start up habitat.” Archer turned and started the habitat controls. Cool, fresh air whooshed into the shuttle. “Keep an eye on the dioxide meter there for a couple minutes. Let me know if it goes up.” Archer watched the digital readout. “S-so far sooo good.” “Good. Keep an eye on it while your running habitat. If that starts to climb above thirty percent, let me know.” “Will do.” “How’s everything else going?” Trip asked. Archer inhaled a deep breath before answering. “I hate ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’. I never want to hear that song again.” Trip laughed. “Other than that, Cap’n?” “How long am I..we..going to be down here?” # “Malcolm’s been talking with a couple of the engineers. Let me get him.” Trip turned to Malcolm. “The Cap’n has a question for ya, Malcolm.” Malcolm looked at Trip. “Yes, sir?” “Cap’n wants a time frame.” Malcolm looked at the Yiquar and T’Pol. He turned and walked to the console. Malcolm cleared his throat. “It’s going to be a while, sir.” “Define a while.” “There are geological issues we’re encountering, sir.” “Such as?” “The sink hole was caused by a network of abandon mine tunnels and shafts. We’ve moved the Yiquar shuttle pod away so it won’t cause the sinkhole to collapse any further, but the land around the sinkhole is unstable. We’re looking into--” “You don’t know how long, do you Malcolm?” “No, sir. I’ll have a definite answer when we come up with a plan to get to you three, sir.” “What about the..uhm..” Archer trailed off. “If you’re inquiring about the transporter, Cap’n,” Trip answered, “T’Pol and I already checked into that. You dropped twenty-two meters and at least half of that has filled back up with debris. T’Pol says that the mineral composition of the rocks on top of you would scatter a transporter beam, even if we could get a lock on you.” “I’d turn into my base molecular structure is that your trying not to say?” “Yeah, basically, Cap’n.” “Is there any good news?” “There’s three weeks worth of field rations and water on board,” Trip offered. “And T’Pol has a tendency of packing two weeks worth of everything in the diaper bag and it’s on board with you as well, sir,” Malcolm added. “Why would I need a diaper bag?” “For the children, sir. It has their food and diapers in it.” “I am not changing a diaper.” “At any rate, that’s the good news, sir.” “Call me if anything changes. Archer out.” Trip made sure the channel was closed before he started laughing. “He broke down on ‘Mary had a Little Lamb’,” Trip looked up at Malcolm. “How long do you think he’s going to hold out on the diapers?” “Until they start screaming non-stop,” Malcolm said, “As I recall, that was when you gave in.” Trip sat back. “This is good for the Cap’n, know that?” Malcolm looked down at him. “How is that?” “What is that you’ve always said? Oh yeah. ‘My kids have been a test of patience, humor and humility.’ Now it’s our fearless leaders turn.” Malcolm shook his head as he chuckled. “Let me know when he calls again.” “Will do.” Trip looked out at the sinkhole, laughing a little more. He knew the situation was dangerous, but there was also an odd sense of irony to it. It was Archer’s turn to try Malcolm’s Starfleet uniform on, dirty diapers included. # Archer felt a hand on his arm. He felt like reacting like a dog and snapping at the toddler. Archer instead ignored him and continued working on the report on the PADD in his hand. The hand began to pat his arm. Archer looked up at the boy who was grinning at him. Archer offered a quick smile. “Dada!” Jon said, holding up his pants and potty training diaper. “Put that back on!” Archer ordered, dropping the PADD and stylus to the floor beside him. “Dada!” Jon laughed when Archer grabbed the pants and training pants from him. “AH!” Archer said, finding the training pants were well used. Archer got up, tracking down the diaper bag. He found it stashed in a bench, pulled it out and opened it. He pulled out what he thought was a pair of training pants and turned out to be diaper. Archer shoved it back in the bag and looked for a pair of training pants. He found one and returned to Jon. “NO!” Archer said, snatching away the PADD and stylus Jon had picked up and was playing with. Jon looked up at him with a hurt expression. “No,” Archer repeated. Jon started whimpering as his bottom lip began trembling. “Don’t start,” Archer ordered. Jon broke out in a wail. Kasbra, who had been playing with a toy at the front, dropped her toy and ran to her brother, hugging him. Archer sighed, sitting down. He held the training pants out to the bare bottomed boy. Jon shoved them away, turning away from Archer. Archer grabbed him and after a struggle finally pulled the training pants on. Jon slapped Archer’s hand as he pulled away, casting a hateful look at Archer. He let his sister lead him over to the toys and Jon immediately forgot his anger. Archer returned to his report. |
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