"If the Uniform Fits" by A. Rhea King Rating: PG Disclaimer: Don't own the, CBS/Paramount does. Summary: Archer gets a dose of Reed's life when he is trapped in a shuttle pod with Reed's twins. CHAPTER 2 “Here,” Trip said. “What?” Malcolm asked, looking up. Trip was holding out a cup to Malcolm. “Coffee. Or the closest thing they have to it,” Trip said. Malcolm took the cup. “Thank you, Trip.” Trip sat down next to Malcolm. Malcolm sighed, sipping the hot liquid. He looked back at the monitors in front of him. “There has to be a way to get them out,” Malcolm said. “We’ll figure it out,” Trip said. The two were silent for a few minutes. “I’m on probation..again,” Malcolm said. Trip looked at Malcolm. “Why?” “Tardiness,” Malcolm said, frowning. “He just doesn’t understand. I’ll talk to ‘im and getcha out of it.” “Do you?” Malcolm looked at Trip. “Do I what?” “Understand? Last I checked you weren’t chasing down two toddlers.” “Do I understand! Let me tell you a story, Malcolm,” Trip laughed. “When I was sixteen, I wanted this hovercraft so bad I could taste it! She was beaut’. Blue and chrome, just need a whooooole mess of engine work! She really was priced higher than she was worth, but you couldn’t have convinced me of that at the time. My parents told me that if I wanted it, I had to earn the money myself. They weren’t gonna to pay for a shiny piece of junk, as they called it. So I went lookin’ for a job. Landed a burger joint job, got in a fight with the manager and canned the same day I started. Next Monday I tried the lawn mowing business but I was too kind to the li’l ol’ ladies and decided that wasn’t going to work by the following Friday. So then, by a twist of events that are far stranger, I ended up taking a nanny position.” Trip laughed when Malcolm laughed. “I know. A guy being a nanny isn’t a real easy thing to picture, but I really wanted that hovercraft! It was for this recent widow whose husband left her everything and three kids. One was seven months, one that was two and one was six. She was either happy or sad her husband was gone, because she regularly forgot to come home and I practically raised them kids that summer, and at least half of it was spent on communicades to my mom or walking those Southern mansion floors until God only knows how long with a screaming child in each arm. I thought I’d never make it through that summer! So yeah, Malcolm, I understand. I gotta good sampler of what you’re goin’ through right now.” “Captain Archer apparently doesn’t understand,” Malcolm commented quietly into his drink. Trip laughed a hearty laugh that made Malcolm smile. “What?” Malcolm asked. “He’s probably gonna to swear off children forever after this!” Trip laughed harder. Malcolm shook his head. “Maybe.” “But ya know,” Trip sobered up, “this will give him a whole new perspective on your life Malcolm and in ways he probably doesn’t wanna know about. I’ll talk to him when we get back to Enterprise, after things have calmed down, and get you off the hook. You have enough to worry about without this hanging over your head.” “I appreciate it, Trip, but,” Malcolm shook his head, “I wouldn’t wish this on anyone,” Malcolm smiled. “Not even myself!” Trip chuckled, looking at the monitor. His smile faded suddenly and he stood up. “What’s this?” Malcolm looked at the monitor Trip was pointing at. “It’s a map of the mine tunnels and shafts. Why?” Trip face lit up with an idea. He walked over to the monitor that had a topographical map of the area of the sinkhole. “You know how ta work their computers?” “Yes,” Malcolm stood up, walking over to Trip. “Why?” “Overlay the map of the mines on this topographical map,” Trip ordered, patting the air above the monitor. Malcolm turned to a console to do as Trip asked. “Hot damn!” Trip cried. Malcolm turned, staring at the combined maps. “Do ya see it Malcolm!?” Trip asked. Malcolm smiled. With a finger he traced a mineshaft that ran right across where the shuttle pod was sitting at the same elevation. His smile faded. “The ground is bound to be unstable, Trip.” “I know. Now we have to think of a way to add support. Just long enough to get in and get ‘em out.” “MALCOLM!” Archer yelled on the companel behind them. Both men turned, looking at the console. Trip was grinning when Malcolm looked at him. “What was that you were saying about not wishing this on anyone?” Malcolm smiled. He walked over to the console and pushed a button. “Yes, sir?” Malcolm asked. “They will not stop crying!” Archer said. In the background Malcolm could hear his children crying at the top of their lungs. Malcolm tapped a console to check the time and mentally converted it into his own time. “They’re dirty, hungry and tired, sir. They need clean diapers, a bottle and a nap.” “I ran out of the diapers they can put on themselves.” “I wondered if you would. They just started potty training so we don’t pack many of those. How long ago did you change them, sir?” “Four hours ago.” “Then they need changed before you lay them down with a bottle, sir.” “Changed?” “Yes, sir.” “You’re expecting me to change their diapers?” Archer asked. “Yes, sir.” “No. I’m a Captain of a Starfleet ship! I am not changing diapers.” Behind Malcolm, Trip ran out of the shuttle pod before he burst out into a fit of laughter. “Captain, there is no telling how much longer it will be before we get you three out, but it’s safe to assume at least another eight hours. They cannot remain in dirty diapers the entire time,” Malcolm said. “I am not changing your children’s diapers, Malcolm. Forget it. How do I make a bottle?” Malcolm’s accent notably thickened and he started clipping the ends of his words. “Captain Archer, if you do not change their diapers they will continue to cry even if you give them a bottle and they will not take a nap. They must be changed, they cannot wait.” “Yes they can,” Archer argued “Sir, they need changed.” “It can wait.” “No it can’t, sir,” Malcolm said. “Lieutenant--“ “Fine. Then as soon as this ordeal is over, I’m taking the next two weeks off, sir,” Malcolm said. “What!? Why? Just because I won’t change your kid’s diapers?” “Yes..sir.” Archer closed his eyes. “Malcolm, I know you can be stubborn, but this is--” “If they do not get changed they will develop a diaper rash, they will cry all night until it clears up, I won’t get any sleep and I may end up blowing something up that shouldn’t be. So if you won’t change the diapers, I won’t continue to ask, however I will be taking time off because I will be in no shape to perform my duties otherwise. And rather than have a repeat occurrence of tardiness I must request for time off! So unless you have suddenly become a well-seasoned father as well as a Captain of a Starfleet ship and know something about this matter that I do not, then one or the other must occur. Now which is it going to be, sir?” Archer stared at the console. His first knee-jerk reaction was to warn Malcolm that he was being insubordinate and he was already treading on thin ice, but Archer’s words stopped before they even reached his lips. He remembered a conversation he’d had with Malcolm before they’d reached the Yiquar home world. # “Lieutenant Reed, you’ve been tardy for the last two weeks.” “I know, sir,” Malcolm met Archer’s gaze when Archer looked up at him, slowly holding his hands in front of him, “but the twins began potty training and being weaned off of milk and they seem certain that their world is being severely disrupted. Vardee and I haven’t had a full night’s sleep for three weeks now. I apologize, but Doctor Phlox assured us that--” “I don’t want to hear it, Malcolm,” Archer said, “and you’re on probation for the next two months. If you don’t fix this or it happens again, you’re getting demoted. That will be all. Dismissed.” Malcolm’s lips parted and Archer could tell he wanted to say something. Instead he turned and silently left Archer’s ready room without another word. # “I’ve never changed a diaper before, Malcolm,” Archer replied, “Gonna need some help.” “Get the diaper bag, a child, and I’ll step you through it, sir,” Malcolm said in a much calmer voice, “You may wish to use a seat or the bench as a changing table.” Archer let out a long sigh. He got up and grabbed the diaper bag. Archer turned, staring at the two children. They were watching him, still crying, but at a lower decibel than before. Archer walked over to Jon and picked him up. He returned to the pilot seat and laid Jon on it, setting the bag beside him when he knelt by the chair. Archer cleared his throat. “Okay.” “Take his pants off, sir.” Archer looked at the console. How did Malcolm know he hadn’t done that? Archer looked back at Jon and pulled the boy’s pants off. “Okay.” “There is a white package in there of wipes. You’ll want to open it. Jon generally messes about this time of day.” Archer looked at the console. “I didn’t say I had Jon.” “That’s his ‘I hate being changed’ cry, sir,” Malcolm said. Archer looked at the child. The cry sounded the same to him. Archer looked in the bag, found the package and opened it. “Okay,” Archer said. “Do you see the tabs on the top?” “Yeah.” “Pull them and pull the top down. You’ll need to see how bad it is first.” Archer did as he was told. “Aw! How do you do this every day, Malcolm!?” Archer cried, quickly putting the top back over the child. # Trip had returned to the Yiquar ship with Hoshi and T’Pol. He covered his mouth and walk away before he burst into another spiel of laughter. Malcolm looked back, smiling at Hoshi and T’Pol. Hoshi returned his smile, laughing silently. She glanced at T’Pol. The Vulcan’s eyebrow was raised but there was no other expression on her face. “You have to wipe him off well. Everywhere. Don’t miss a spot,” Malcolm instructed Archer. # “This is a joke!” “It will only be two weeks, sir,” Malcolm reminded Archer. Archer swallowed, gritted his teeth and pulled the top down. As fast as he could he cleaned the child off, trying hard not to get anything on the seat or himself. “Okay. It’s off and he’s clean. Now what?” “Put it all in the red disposal bag. It’s in the diaper bag.” Archer found the disposal bag and dropped the diaper and wipes in it. They disintegrated into a white ash like substance at the bottom of the bag. Archer put the bag aside and pulled out a clean diaper. “Got a clean diaper,” Archer told Malcolm. “Slide it under him. The tabs go under him and the side without tabs goes over the top.” Archer positioned the diaper, prepared to quickly put it on. “Ready.” “In the bag there’s a blue tube.” Archer dug out the tube. “Okay.” “Open it, put a little on your fingers and smear it on his bottom and front. Be sure to get it in the folds.” “Malcolm, so help me if you’re up there laughing..” Archer looked at Jon. # “I am not laughing, Captain,” Malcolm glanced back, smiling. Hoshi had joined Trip outside, both laughing so hard they had to sit down. T’Pol had moved to the seat beside Malcolm, listening to the conversation with intense interest but little else. # “Is this stuff really necessary?” Archer asked. “It will only be two weeks, sir,” Malcolm replied. Archer looked up. “This is blackmail.” “No, sir, this is what I do every day,” Malcolm came back in a quieter voice. “One might come to understand how this can have a direct effect on attendance, don’t you agree, sir?” Archer looked at Jon’s face. The child had stopped crying and was watching Archer. Archer smeared some of the white lotion from the tube on Jon as ordered. “What’s next?” Archer said in a calmer voice. “Pull the top over the top and unfasten the tabs.” Archer did that. “Next.” “Pull the tabs across the top part of the diaper and make sure it’s snug. You don’t want it falling off.” Archer did as ordered. “Done.” “Dress him and get Kasbra. She’s probably beside you waiting to be changed as they are often changed together.” Archer looked down. Just as Malcolm had said, Kasbra was sitting beside Archer, talking to the toy in her hand. Archer pulled Jon’s pants up and set him down. He picked up Kasbra and laid her down on the seat. Archer hesitated, almost asking if he really should change the girl, but then he figured Malcolm’s response would be his reminder of getting two weeks off. “Do all the same for Kasbra?” “Yes.” Archer changed her and smiled when Kasbra squealed suddenly. “You tickled her,” Malcolm said. “How can you tell?” “She squeals like that when she’s being tickled.” Archer smiled at Kasbra as he picked her up to set her down. “Did I tickle you?” Kasbra nodded, grinning. “Sorry.” Kasbra threw her arms around his neck, hugging him. Archer sat her down, watching her run to the back of the shuttle pod to play with her brother. “Not so bad, is it, sir?” Malcolm asked. “Ask me that after I get my appetite back,” Archer said. “Making a bottle is much easier, sir. There are packets in the diaper bag. You put a liner in a bottle, empty one packet per bottle, add water to the top and shake it. Make sure you cover the nipple with your finger or you’ll wear milk.” “Got it. That’s much easier.” Archer pulled two packets out, smiling when he saw the picture directions, “Guess I could have figured that out from the pictures on here, huh?” “Yes, sir. It’s quite simple, really. Once they’re made, lay down a couple of thermal blankets and lay the children between them. You might have to get after them about talking but they will eventually sleep, sir.” “Will do. I don’t suppose you know when we’re getting out of here, do you?” “We’re still working on it. Commander Tucker came up with an idea we’re looking into.” “What idea?” Archer heard Malcolm call for Trip. There was a moment of silence before Trip, replied, “When we overlaid a map of the mine tunnels on the topographical map we found a mine tunnel runs right across the shuttle pod,” Trip answered. “We’re going to check into it and see if it can be used.” “Keep me updated.” “Will do, sir.” “Hope you had a good laugh, Trip.” Trip didn’t respond. Archer ended the communications. He got up and made two bottles, which the children began begging for as soon as they saw him start preparing them. Archer handed them each one and then pulled out two thermal blankets. He laid one down and the children immediately ran over and laid down on it. Archer laid the second one on top of them. Kasbra raised her head up, puckering her lips for a kiss. Archer drew back. “What?” Archer asked. Kasbra didn’t move. Archer gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and received one in return. Jon made the same face. Archer gave him a kiss on the cheek and received one in return. Archer tucked the blanket around the two. “Not talking,” Archer told the two. Kasbra stuck her bottle in her mouth and began drinking. Not long after they had finished their bottles Kasbra was snoring and Jon was sleeping peacefully. Archer sat down beside them, staring at the two. He realized he was wrong in his assumption that Malcolm was simply being lazy in his attendance. He had held to the ideal Malcolm was a Starfleet officer and knew this was unacceptable. While it was true that he was a Starfleet officer, out here, all rules were bendable and breakable. Now that he thought about it, Archer could not recall a time he’d held a command where he knew the father and the mother of two babies, their godparents, their day-care provider, their physician and their playmates. “Think I’ve been a bit harsh on your father, kids. Gonna have to re-evaluate the situation when I get back.” Archer reached down and smoothed Kasbra’s black curls down. Archer got up and walked back to the pilot’s chair. He picked up the stylus and PADD on the console, put his feet up on the console and sat back, returning to his report. # Trip shone his flashlight around the tunnel, examining the walls, ceiling and rotting wooden braces as he walked. In his other hand he carried an open communicator. “What have you found so far?” Malcolm asked. Trip spoke into his communicator, “Just like we thought, it’s really loose.” Trip shone his flashlight at the wall of dirt he was approaching. He tapped it with his flashlight, watching the dirt easily crumble under the lightest force. “Reached the end. Can you get a fix on me?” There was a pause. “You are eight meters from the shuttle, Commander,” T’Pol replied. “Ten meters?” Trip shook his head. “We have to figure out how to stabilize thirteen kilometers before we burrow into another eight meters of unstable, packed dirt. This is going to take every brain Enterprise and the Yiquar have, you guys.” “I would agree,” T’Pol replied. Trip looked at the dirt. “Have you finished those simulations, T’Pol?” “Yes. There is a thirty-two point four percent chance of success.” “Well, those are good odds!” Trip retorted sarcastically. “Sarcasm is of little use in this situation, Commander.” Trip looked back down the tunnel, watching dirt fall from the ceiling. “We’d better get a move on it if we’re going to do this. Send down the men and equipment to get started.” “Yes, Commander.” “Sounds like things going fairly well,” Archer said on Trip’s communicator. Trip turned, looking at the dirt wall again. “We’ve been in worse..haven’t we, sir?” “I’m trying to pretend we have been,” Archer joked. Trip smiled. “Well, if you’re pretending on that end and I’m pretending on this end, that must mean we’ve been in worse.” Archer laughed. “Kids still asleep?” “Yeah. Any surprises I need to know about Malcolm?” “If you’re still in there at six they will wake up and need changed and want breakfast,” Malcolm answered, “There’s some cereal in their bag. Just add water to it.” “Okay. I’m going to try and get some sleep myself. Let me know if anything changes out there, people.” “See you soon, Captain,” Trip, Malcolm and T’Pol replied. # Archer ended the communication and sat back in his chair, putting his feet up on the console. He looked at the dirt on the window, his mind drifting. He found himself thinking about when they first launch. Archer remembered Malcolm showing him the phaser for the first time, telling him the settings were stun and kill and he shouldn’t confuse them. Then T’Pol surprised everyone when Archer was hurt and she continued with the mission. T’Pol had been one surprise after another. Archer remembered the look she and Trip had exchanged after the asteroid incident. Trip never told him what it was for, but there had been a sense of importance to it. As he began to doze and fall into a deeper sleep, his mind drifted over the past years and the numerous events that had changed and shaped their lives. # “How are you, Jonny?” Archer turned, smiling at his father. “Good. You?” His father nodded a little, smiling. “Good. How is everyone? Your crew?” Archer looked up. The two were strolling down a red-dirt road that led to dark woods ahead. “They’re all good, dad,” Archer answered, looking at his father’s face. “Things are strange now, aren’t they?” his father asked him. “They always are out here.” His father motioned ahead of them. Archer turned his head, looking across the vast expanse of space. The two were walking along the rings of a gas giant and there was no sense of fear here. Archer felt relaxed and happy. “I’ve heard you telling them you’re not a father. You’re wrong.” “How’s that?” Archer looked at his father. “You know what I mean. You’re a father in ways you’d never intended.” “Strange how it all happened,” Archer commented, looking across a lake. “So much has happened these last eight years, dad. Sometimes it makes everything so confusing and I wish you were here all the time. You taught me to love space, dad, but you’re not here to share it with me.” The two were sitting in a boat on a lake. Archer could see the shore and there were people having a picnic. He knew them. They were his crew. They were dressed in casual clothes and while he couldn’t hear their voices or laughter or the music on the radio, he knew the sounds were there. “But are you sure you want to reject it like this? Aren’t they your family?” his father motioned toward the people at the picnic. “Even T’Pol?” Archer smiled. “I won’t reject it. Just fuss until I get comfortable with it. I wonder what’s on the grill?” “Let’s go see,” his father answered. Archer stood and he and his father walked across the water to the shore. Archer suddenly found himself in his ready room with T’Pol. She was watching him and he felt like they had been talking about something important moments before. Archer looked through his ready room door and saw his crew at the picnic by the lake. T’Pol said, “You’ve returned.” “Always seem to.” Archer smiled, putting his arm around her shoulders as the two started walking toward the picnic. “Let’s burn some hamburgers. Ever have shish kabobs, T’Pol?” “No.” “I’ll make you a vegetarian one. You’ll like it.” “Yes, Captain.” As the two passed through the door everything became lost in white light. # “Captain,” someone said, shaking Archer’s shoulder. Archer opened his eyes, looking up at Malcolm. “Hi,” Malcolm said, smiling, “We have to hurry, Captain.” “Malcolm. Take a kid,” Trip said, appearing in Archer’s line of sight and handing over Kasbra to Malcolm. Trip had Jon Nathan in his other arm. “Come on, Cap’n. I dunno how long this tunnel’s gonna hold.” Archer got up, grabbed the PADD he was working on and followed the two men up the ladder through the top hatch and into the tunnel. The three crawled through the narrow tunnel into the mine tunnel. Two Yiquar grabbed Archer’s arms and helped him out of the tunnel and down the sloped wall. Archer pulled away once he had his feet under him and smiled when Yiquar and his crewmembers started cheering. It felt strange that things were so calm, but he figured it was because part of him was still lingering on his dream, driving away any adrenaline that had been driving him prior to his rescue. “This way out, Cap’n,” Trip said. Archer followed Trip. He looked back at the tunnel. “Something wrong?” Trip asked. Archer looked at Trip, smiling. “Nope. Want me to carry him?” Trip looked surprised, but gave Jon Nathan over to Archer. Jon Nathan laid his head on Archer’s shoulder and went back to sleep. # Archer looked up from the PADD in his hand when the doorbell of his dining room beep. “Come in,” Archer said, setting the PADD aside. Malcolm walked in and stood at attention. “You requested to see me, sir?” “You’re off probation,” Archer said. “Sir?” Malcolm looked down at Archer “I was a little hasty. I’m lifting the probation. I expect the attendance problem will be resolved in a couple of weeks, or that’s what Doctor Phlox told me anyway.” “Yes, sir. He assured us of the same.” “Good. That’ll be all, Lieutenant.” “Thank you, sir.” Malcolm turned and stopped. Malcolm looked down at Archer who’d returned to reading the PADD. Malcolm reached in his pocket and retrieved a small, yellow rubber duck that he slowly sat on the edge of the table beside Archer’s arm. Archer looked at it and then up at Malcolm. “What’s this, Malcolm?” “Kasbra has been insisting it’s K’fan’s. Perhaps if you took it she would stop, sir.” “I’ll put it next to the shampoo in my shower.” Archer smiled. “Thank you, sir.” Malcolm turned and left. Archer picked up the yellow rubber duck to examine it. He smiled, setting it back down and returned to reading the report and eating breakfast. Back to Chapter 1 This series continues in Doppelganger The next Tweens story is Who Woulda Known?

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