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"Who Woulda Known?"
by A. Rhea King

Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't own them, CBS/Paramount does.
Genre: Humor/Drama
Description: The prank wars continue to ramp up, Archer has a hard time delivering fatherly punishment, Trip and Archer take a mud bath, and the crew encounters an extra-terrestrial television ad.


Masterminded Eccentric (3)

Archer slowly looked up from the PADD in his hand as Enterprise glided to a halt.

“Travis?” Archer asked.

“It wasn’t me, sir!” Travis responded, lifting his hands away from the helm controls.

The companel on Archer’s chair beeped. Archer turned, pushing the companel. “Archer.”

“Uhm…we…we…yeah…we’re have some problems down…go, Eddy…here,” Trip said, sounding like he was being distracted. “Eddy, it’s over there. Get going. I don’t know what’s up yet, Cap’n.”

“Report back when you can give me an ETA.”

“K. Trip out.”

Archer sat back, picking the PADD up. He finished the report an hour later and still hadn’t heard back from Trip.

“T’Pol, you have the bridge,” Archer told her as he stood. “I’ll be in engineering.”

#

Engineering was a scene of chaos. Crewmen were running back and forth and there was a loud hum from the people talking. Archer spotted Trip standing on the platform at the front of the engine and walked up the stairs to join him.

“Anything?” Trip asked.

“What?” Archer asked.

“No, sir. We’re still looking,” a voice replied back on a companel in front of Trip.

“Find it, Eddy,” Trip ordered.

“I’m trying, sir.”

“What’s going on?” Archer asked.

Trip pointed to a schematic on a console beside him. “We can’t vent plasma from either warp or impulse. It’s in here somewhere.” Trip circled his finger over a schematic of the ship.

“Commander,” Eddy said.

“Yeah?”

“Behind fire control door D12 I’m getting a reading of high ionized atmosphere. The door’s hot to touch.”

“Fire suppressants aren’t reading anything.”

“I think its plasma,” another voice said on the companel.

“Shit,” Trip muttered quiet enough the two men didn’t hear him. Trip turned, stepping up next to the rail. “Marsha.”

Below them Ensign McDowny turned away from what she was working on.

“Get all plasma and oxygen shut off. Hurry.”

Ensign McDowny leapt to her feet and ran around the engine. Trip turned back to the controls and began to initiate a shut down of the engine.

“Trip,” Archer said, starting to get worried.

“Yeah?”

“If you shut down the engine it’s going to take a day and a half to warm up.”

“And if we don’t shut ‘em down, we could blow up the ship,” Trip looked at Archer. “Wouldn’t be much of a ship left when it was over, either, Cap’n. We don’t know what’s behind those fire doors and until we do I’m not risking it.”

Archer leaned back against the railing. Trip knew the engine best and he had to trust him. Archer watched the engine consoles slowly grow dark as components and sections were shut off.

“The plasma and oxygen are shut off,” Marsha reported.

“Good. Eddy,” Trip said.

“Yeah?”

“Any change back there?”

“It’s starting to lower in temperature and ion levels.”

“Good. You wait for that door to open on it’s own.”

“Yes sir.”

“Got that, Ken?”

“Yes, sir,” the other voice answered.

Trip finished shutting the engine down and leaned back against the railing. Archer noticed the room had become silent. He looked around, finding the engineering crew had stopped working and were watching Trip.

“Door’s opening,” Eddy said. “I’m moving on— Oh f…frack!”

“What?”

“The walls are black, sir. It-OW! It’s hot. Hold on.”

“This side isn’t damaged very bad,” Ken said.

“Tell me what you find, you two.”

Again they waited.

“I can’t believe this,” Archer and Trip heard Ken whisper. “Son of a buck!”

“What?”

“The stupid Turlom O-ring blew out and it took out two fulban rods. They are completely fried. They’re just melted copper, silicon and dirilium.”

Archer looked at Trip. He had his eyes closed.

“Same over here, sir,” Eddy said. “There’s a hole from the vent into the tunnel here. The fire in here took out some relays and a couple boards on the other side of the wall too.”

“I have the engine shut down. Climb into the vents and tell me what it looks like ya guys.”

“Sir,” someone said below them.

“Yeah?” Trip asked without looking.

“Sir…did, uhm, did he say…the Turlom O-ring blew out…did he?”

“He did, Rueben.”

“On both sides?”

“Yeah.”

“Is he sure? I mean—”

Trip looked over the railing at Rueben. “Rueben…they’re sure. It was the O-rings.”

Rueben sank down to sit on a crate. Archer saw the rest of Trip’s crew look nearly sick and even their whispering died off.

“What’s wrong with that?” Archer asked Trip.

Trip looked at Archer. “We don’t have any more Turlom O-rings, sir. Used the last one a month ago.”

“Why didn’t you get any at the last—”

“They didn’t have any, Cap’n. I checked everywhere.”

Archer turned, leaning on the rail.

“The vent on this side checks out okay except for that hole. We have the stuff to patch that up today,” Eddy reported.

“Okay. Get back here.”

A few minutes later Ken reported the same thing.

“Marsha,” Trip turned to her.

“Yeah?” Marsha answered.

“Go wake up Ken Lowes and Stephanie. I need them down here right now.”

Marsha nodded once as she turned away.

“Now what?” Archer asked.

“I’ll get back to you on that,” Trip said quietly to Archer and then spoke up so the rest of his crew could hear him, “I want everyone to get back to work for right now. There are still areas showing up with no power and malfunctions that need to be fixed. Once we have everyone here we’ll put our heads together and figure out what our plan of attack on this is going to be.” Trip looked down at Rueben. “Rueben.” The man looked up at Trip. “Go back to checking the vent sensors, okay?”

Rueben nodded, obeying his order.

Trip rubbed his face.

“You’ll come up with something. You and your crew always do,” Archer said with an encouraging smile.

Trip dropped his hands, leaning back against the railing. “This is different.”

“Why?”

“Those O-rings are supposed to withstand temperatures up to two thousand Celsius. To replace them, we have to have something that can withstand at least half of that because that’s how hot it gets down there in that vent maintenance tube running at warp three and half impulse.”

“How’d the plasma get hot enough to ignite, Trip?”

“I don’t know. There was a fire but I don’t know how it started.”

“There was a fire? T’Pol didn’t pick up anything.”

Trip flashed a smile. “Good news. The fire suppression system on Enterprise works great.” Trip looked at Archer. “There was a bonfire. One minute we were humming along great, the next Enterprise was venting fire.”

“That’s not right.”

“Yeah. I know.” Trip dropped his head, rubbing the back of his neck. “This stupid engine,” Trip kicked the engine console, “It’s been acting flaky for the last three days.”

“T’Pol to Commander Tucker.”

Trip reached out and pressed the companel. “Yeah?”

“I’ve scanned the ship and there are no hull breeches or otherwise irreparable damage.”

“But?”

“Ten seconds before the ship stopped sensors read an anomaly. A sphere 1.25 meters in diameter registering over two hundred thousand volts of electricity passed through the hull of the ship, passing through both plasma vents and consequently igniting the plasma release.

Trip shook his head, “And here I thought St. Elmo’s fire only existed on earth.”

“St. Elmo’s fire?” T’Pol asked.

“Never mind. Was it a weapon? Did someone fire it?”

“I cannot determine that, but from the random course it took through the ship, I feel it was not a weapons.”

“Random how?”

“On entering it passed through starboard and the first plasma vent, it diverted course to pass through several quarters and the mess hall, exited the ship and re-entered through port side and exiting out the rear vent. The entire event took place in roughly one point six seconds.”

“Was it sentient?” Archer asked.

“I am unable to determine that. Should it return, it may be likely.”

“Let’s hope it doesn’t return.”

“Sir,” someone said.

Trip looked down. Marsha had returned with the two night shift engineers. “Thanks T’Pol. Trip out.” Trip closed the companel. “Everybody over here,” Trip said and then walked down the stairs. He sat down on the second to bottom step, waiting for the crew to gather around.

“I know you’re all tired and it’s been a long three days, but we have to figure something out here,” Trip said. “We don’t have any more Turlom O-rings and we’re going to have to figure out something to get us to the next port at least.”

“The Diedra could tow Enterprise,” Drista suggested.

Trip sighed. “Only problem with that, Drista, is that the Diedra could only go at impulse and it would take us six months to get to the nearest port.”

“Couldn’t we start in that direction for now?” Archer asked.

Trip looked up at him. “We could I guess. You wanna do that?”

“Sounds better than being adrift.”

Trip turned to Drista. “Go get Vardee, Drista.”

Drista pushed through crew and ran out of engineering.

“That still leaves us with the problem of the O-rings, guys,” Trip continued. “I don’t want to be towed for six months to a port. Do any of you?”

A unison ‘no’ answered him.

“Then we have to come up with something.”

Trip stopped talking, waiting for someone to talk.

“Come on guys,” Trip urged.

Ken who worked the nightshift yawned. Trip looked around at the tired faces surrounding him and knew he had a problem. They had been working overtime to try to fix the gremlins that suddenly cropped up three days ago and they were all exhausted. Trip looked down, thinking. He rose to his feet, making the group look up at him.

“Okay, here’s what’s going to happen,” Trip looked up at his crew. “All of you are going to turn around and leave engineering. Go take a nap, read a book, do whatever. I don’t want to see a single face in this room for the rest of today and tomorrow. But there is one thing you have to do for me in exchange for a day and a half off. For today, I don’t want any of you to try to come up with anything. If you do, wonderful. Tomorrow, however, I don’t want to see any one of you without a PADD and stylus in hand. The second you come up with an idea, no matter how far fetched or unworkable it may seem, you write it down. Stop whatever your doing and write it down. Day after tomorrow we’re going to meet in storage room B-2 at oh-eight-hundred sharp. Bring your breakfast and your ideas when you come. Understood?”

Trip’s crew nodded.

“Good. Dismissed.”

No one moved.

“Are you sure…about this?” one of the crew asked.

“Positive.”

They looked at one another and then left engineering. Trip sank down onto the step, sighing.

Archer walked down to sit on the step next to Trip. “Trip.”

“Hm?”

“You just sent your crew home and we’re adrift.”

“Mm-hm.”

“Trip.”

“Hm?”

Why?”

Trip leaned against the railing. “Because they’re beat. They aren’t going to come up with anything right now any more than I am.”

Archer cleared his throat. He looked at Trip. “Trip?”

“Yeah?” Trip looked at Archer.

“I have to say, this is a unique way of confronting the problem and managing your crew. I wouldn’t recommend it.”

Trip smiled. “Yeah, but you know we’ll fix it if you trust me, Cap’n.”

Archer sighed. “I’m coming to that meeting, you know.”

“Don’t forget the muffins.”

Archer laughed. The two looked at the door when it opened. Drista and Vardee walked in. Drista looked around the empty room.

“We need a tow,” Trip told Vardee. “Can we call you for road side assistance?”

“What?” Vardee asked.

Trip and Archer chuckled.

“We were attacked by a ball of energy and it wreaked havoc on the engine and blew out a part that we have to have to make the ship go. Currently we are adrift, so could you start towing us to the nearest port?”

“That take six month!”

“Well then, you’d better be saying good things about my crew so they can fix the engine before we get to that port.” Trip smiled at her.

Vardee smiled. “Very well. Should Drista stay?”

“Naw. She’s off the hook this time. She came up with the first idea. Besides, you might need her.”

“Okay. We’ll go launch and start toward the port.” Sista turned, motioning Drista to follow.

Trip sighed, leaning back on the steps. “I’m going to go take a nap and when I wake up, I’ll have an epiphany!” Trip got to his feet, looking down at Archer, “Or just be craving a nice big steak and potato.”

“Oh no. You have reports to finish. You’re part of my crew.”

Trip snapped his finger. “Always ruining my fun. I’ll be in my quarters if you need me.” Trip headed for the door.

“And what’s the chances of that with a dead engine, Trip?”

Trip stopped in the door. “Hey. Maybe if you start wishful thinking the engine will magically repair itself. Or maybe you can dig up Frosty’s hat and slap it up there. What’d’ya think?”

“Go take a nap!” Archer ordered.

Archer smiled when Trip started laughing.

#

Archer reached out and plucked up a baseball sitting on his desk. He tossed it up, watching it and catching it.

“Computer start log. Date October 21, 2157,” Archer said. He began tossing the baseball from hand to hand as he paced his quarters. “I thought my senior engineer was being eccentric when he ordered his crew to take leave for a day and a half. I almost countermanded the order, but I decided I’d wait this one out and see where it took us. It took us to a warp and impulse engine running again.” Archer smiled, easing back into a chair. “If I were an engineer, I suppose I could understand what it was exactly that they did, but for now, I’ll just leave it to this: When I was sitting in this meeting, listening to these engineers firing out ideas and eventually ironing out a working plan, I thought about a scene in that movie about the 1960 Apollo 13 mission. The NASA engineers had to find a way to make a square air filter fit in a round hole and fast. What they came up with looked strange, but it worked. What my engineering team developed was also strange looking, but it worked. We have to stay at warp two, but at least we’ll see port in a month and not six. For this day the battle of man versus machine goes to my engineering crew and they masterminded eccentric leader. Computer, end log.”

Archer leaned back, tossing the baseball up in the air and catching it. He smiled, stood up and left his quarters to join Trip for supper.


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